Time To Be Cynical

 
Well, it's been nearly two weeks since I have last posted a journal, so I suppose now is as good a time as any to try to put a thought or two together. The reality is that I have been in a pretty lousy place emotionally the last several days, and as my Mother used to say, “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all...” So I haven't. I have found myself pretty cynical about just about everything and everybody, and I really don't like being that way. I'm not sure if it's just part of the process or if it's just how I am going to view my life from this point on. Hope it's just a phase. The worst part of it all is that I find myself pulling further away from the few people that I still have in my life. And I'm doing it all intentionally. I'm just not particularly interested in people, places or things at this point. My mood lately reminds me of the old childhood standby song: 
“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,I think I'll go eat worms!Big fat juicy ones,Eensie weensy squeensy ones,See how they wiggle and squirm!
Down goes the first one, down goes the second one,Oh how they wiggle and squirm!Up comes the first one, up comes the second one,Oh how they wiggle and squirm!
I bite off the heads, and suck out the juice,And throw the skins away!Nobody knows how fat I grow,On worms three times a day!
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,I think I'll go eat worms!Big fat juicy ones,Eensie weensy squeensy ones,See how they wiggle and squirm!” 
Now, I realize that this is all indicative of a major pity party that I am throwing for myself, but the trick is, how the hell do I stop it all? I've been good about taking my Zoloft, and I have been good about reading my Bible, but I just can't seem to shake the “blues” that are eating me alive. However, I suspect that my not getting any writing done has a lot to do with my feeling so anti-social, so I'll try and force myself to “journal” even when I don't particularly feel like it. 
Part of my cynicism encompasses some of the postings in the discussion threads here at DS. I often times find myself being hyper critical of some of the subjects and ultra sensitive to other's ways of expressing themselves. I just need to remember that everyone is on their own road here, and we all have differing views on the best way for us to move forward and to express the things that we feel. I think that too many times, we get to that place where we think that we are alone in our grief process, when the reality is that ALL of us are hurting and trying our best to survive in the world that we are left with. I think my cynicism is also born out of impatience, and that I think I should be further along than I am. You know...time flies when your having fun, and all of that. But time really IS relative, and I just need to allow enough of it to pass so I can re-group and carry on. 
It will be four months tomorrow that Barbara died, and in some ways it feels like four years....Other times it feels like four days.....But, as I said...Time is relative...and does anybody really care what time it is??
And I feel better already after having written this......God is Great....ain't He???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uClqyfKyZJ4&feature=related
As I was walking down the street one dayA man came up to me and asked me what the time was that wason my watch, yeahAnd I saidDoes anybody really know what time it isDoes anybody really careIf so I can't imagine whyWe've all got time enough to cryOh no, noAnd I was walking down the street one dayA pretty lady looked at me and said her diamond watch hadstopped cold deadAnd I saidDoes anybody really know what time it isDoes anybody really careIf so I can't imagine whyWe've all got time enough to cryOh no, noAnd I was walking down the street one dayBeing pushed and shoved by people trying to beat the clock,oh, so I just don't know,I just don't knowAnd I said, yes I saidPeople runnin' everywhereDon't know the way to goDon't know where I amCan't see past the next stepDon't have to think past the last mileHave no time to look aroundJust run around, run around and think whyDoes anybody really know what time it isDoes anybody really careIf so I can't imagine whyWe've all got time enough to dieOh no, no