Time,money,and help is fast running out

Good morning journal,the time is now 8:02am;I have been awake since 5:30am,but have only mustered the strength,and the motivation to come here now.I was awakened by violent fits of coughing,which shook my whole body,and left me visibly shaking and unable to catch my breath.I went through to the kitchen and made some coffee,then sat in my armchair and waited for the warmth of the coffee to hit,and perhaps help sooth my cough;I also had a puff or three of my rescue inhaler,I must have dozed off at some point,for when I next looked at the clock on the lounge wall it said 7:00am and again,it was a coughing spasm that woke me.The last few days have not been easy,physically,I have felt unwell,and mentally I have been all over the place.We have finally reached the point when more cutbacks are needed,the little bit of savings we had in reserve has now gone,the bills are mounting up,and we have no way to pay anyone,not if we want to eat that is.I went into town yesterday and paid the rent on our home,so we at least have a roof over our heads for the next month,if the local council were not giving us housing benefit because of my inability to work,we would be looking for a tent somewhere,(I'm trying to be humorous,but the dire position we find ourselves in makes it difficult). No official department seems to want to help,,either that,or they are unable to,either way,it leaves us very much high and dry,and it is a worry we don't need on top of everything else.Recent news on my treatment,I saw my therapist John on the 26th,he informed me that the earliest appointment we could get with the psychiatric specialist was July 2nd,a doctor Ashfaq,it seems an awful long time to wait,but we have no choice,until I get a firm diagnosis from a senior mental health specialist,there are no other financial benefits available to us.John and I also discussed my suicidal feelings,which have been more in evidence of late,and he asked me to shake his hand and promise to tell him if,and when,I come up with a definite plan to end my life;I did so,but I don't know if that is a promise I can keep,only time,or assistance from somewhere,will tell.He mentioned that he thought there was a bond between us,I suppose he's right,there is,but if a person is truly intent on ending their life,would they really tell someone else?,I don't know,I've never been in that position,I'm still not,at the moment.The next day,the 27th,I had my diabetic eye screening at the new health center in town,I had forgotten how badly the drops they use stung,it is a painful minute or so,until your eyes become accustomed to them and the pupils dilate.The nurse informed me that I will get a report sent to my home within a few days,with a copy going to my doctor as well;but she did say that I have to see my optician as soon as possible,so when I arrived home,I duly made an appointment for the 10th of April,the same day as I next see my doctor,as they are both located within walking distance of each other,I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone,so to speak.On Tuesday the 2nd of April,I have another appointment with the diabetic clinic,the lovely sister Riley will then tell me if I require medication to control my blood sugar count,it used to be controlled by diet and exercise,I walked a beat every day in my previous job,but since becoming ill,my level of exercise has dropped off significantly,It is something I am just not capable of doing because of my breathing difficulties,and my physical weakness.Meantime,in the next few weeks,we may lose the telephone and the internet,financially,it is a luxury for us,and one which at the present time we cannot afford.We already make do with the heating only turned on at night while we sleep,between midnight and 7:00am is the off peak time,a cheaper rate,after 7:30am,we simply can't afford to run it,instead,we use the heat that has been stored the night before to keep warm,well that and an extra jumper or two.My wife has already performed miracles with our creditors and energy suppliers,but there is only so much she,and they,can do;and we are fast running out of options,but her faith remains both indomitable and totally indestructible;"God hasn't let us go hungry yet",is a favorite battle cry of hers,well no,may be not,but He has run it pretty close at times.My own faith remains firm in the belief that the Good Lord will provide the answers we need,my only concern is,will they come in time?. When I was in town yesterday,I popped into the Citizens Advice Bureau to see if they could offer any short term solutions,the lady told me that because I am receiving the princely sum of seventy one pounds a week we are not entitled to a letter of referral to charities which give food parcels,but,she said triumphantly,,she could give me a list of various organizations that would feed us,they call them soup kitchens here.It is a fairly long list,you can eat breakfast,lunch and dinner every day,as long as you drag your sorry backside along to wherever they are serving it;the sad part for us is that we are actually considering it.Well journal,that's it,you are now up to date with our lives,a few prayers wouldn't go amiss,because right now,that's all we have,until next time,peace go with us,and God bless soup kitchens everywhere.