Time goes way too fast
Tomorrow I am going to an agency that has programs targeted for those gong through rough spells. It will be interesting to find out what it's about. I spoke with the woman yesterday and she said I had to be willing to get some education: my GED, a certificate or college. Then she learned that I have no children under 18, so I didn't qualify for the 1st program. It's okay as I am "hoping" to take a couple classes in fall to get current and advance my nursing license. I told her I could get a foster child if need be.
I did learn that the state has a "savings match plan", which would really help me out as apparently they have my share of the marital estate through gambling revenues! I was hoping to buy a house last summer; all I needed at that time was my divorce decree ... but anyway, the state will add $3 for every dollar I save (up to $900), so that would help me build up savings again. It has been demoralizing to pay out all my money to legal fees, but I'm also trying to determine how I might "end" this as he will most likely not have any funds to pay me.
Also working on getting things finished up with my car, working on my site (a little trickier than I anticipated), but have been selling some books from another site and hoping to add some additional fare. Also looking for additional work and organizing/packing things that I was going to work on for another venture before everything went haywire. I suppose it will keep. There were several things I was working on to build additional income. Since all the craziness started way back, I don't care too much for being around the same people all the time ... does that make sense? Just that I don't really want to have to talk about all the stuff that has gone on; it would inevitably come up, and that is how I felt even before BUFU boy went off on his rampage.
I can't even comprehend a "normal" life. I used to find it odd that the women around here would be very happy and excited about a new grand-baby; I kept my mouth shut, but I have truly felt "if I had known", I wouldn't have had children of my own ... just taken care of some that are already here and hopefully, made a decent job of it. Not that I don't love my daughters, I do. But if I think about all the crap that has gone on and how their heads got screwed with, as did mine, I get VERY angry. I feel like I have been living in "white trash world" (well, actually about two steps below even that level) and I HATE it!!
I actually CAN comprehend having a more normal life; I am angry at BUFU because I KNOW this was probably pre-meditated, but all I can say is I am more of a man than I guess he will ever be. I came here with no false pretenses of love, etc. and I just can't get into lying to everyone's face ... to me, that is cowardly as well as causing trouble. Obviously, I would have allocated funds differently and such had I known .... of course, he would like me to be destitute and remain so in order to destroy credibility, etc. It's all a fine line, because this experience has become like a prison sentence, not to mention the financial destruction that occurred. I can hardly believe that last year I could have bought a modest house and picked up on things I have been enjoying, albeit with the hard work of moving, etc. Now I have no idea what "will become of me". But I do know there is nothing to tie me here or actually, anyplace in particular. So if I can figure out the financial aspects, maybe I can scout around for other areas and possibilities. I suppose I don't want to go too far off 'til the girls get settled into their own lives, but maybe somewhat south ... a little more warm weather would be VERY nice!
I have an older half-sister; I've never met her but we "chat" on FB at times. She has "my" house. I acre, paid for and it's an older house that she is renovating and making it "her own", doing much of the work herself. Plus, she has gardens for food and flowers and fruit shrubs. That is what I am hoping for, although at times I would sort of like to design a small but really efficient (for my purposes) house. I told my husband we screwed up when we did this one - a ranch with 2 car garage and full basement (which is storage). The garage should have been incorporated into the basement and the remainder, a walk out basement with lots of windows and a nice patio. Oh well, I think every house teaches me something new! We are having a heat wave and drought here, the temp is supposed to get to 97 today, 96 tomorrow ... then 80s, oh joy! It's been in the 90s quite a bit so far this month and some of last. It took a good hour or so to water some of the flowers and other plants that normally are doing fine this time of year; grass is brown and no burning allowed.I was sort of frustrated with the way the yard looks; I have not put in my vegetable garden for a couple years, thinking I would be out of here a lot faster, so it is all weeds. Trees and shrubs need pruned and a lot of trimming and tidying needs to be done. I think "what a waste" to have to see all the progress that was going on grind to a halt and be spoiled. Whatever, I can't change it so I am going to cope. I need to check my gooseberry bush and I WILL take it with me when I go. Depending where I end up going, maybe take some perennials or some strawberry starts as well.
I did learn that the state has a "savings match plan", which would really help me out as apparently they have my share of the marital estate through gambling revenues! I was hoping to buy a house last summer; all I needed at that time was my divorce decree ... but anyway, the state will add $3 for every dollar I save (up to $900), so that would help me build up savings again. It has been demoralizing to pay out all my money to legal fees, but I'm also trying to determine how I might "end" this as he will most likely not have any funds to pay me.
Also working on getting things finished up with my car, working on my site (a little trickier than I anticipated), but have been selling some books from another site and hoping to add some additional fare. Also looking for additional work and organizing/packing things that I was going to work on for another venture before everything went haywire. I suppose it will keep. There were several things I was working on to build additional income. Since all the craziness started way back, I don't care too much for being around the same people all the time ... does that make sense? Just that I don't really want to have to talk about all the stuff that has gone on; it would inevitably come up, and that is how I felt even before BUFU boy went off on his rampage.
I can't even comprehend a "normal" life. I used to find it odd that the women around here would be very happy and excited about a new grand-baby; I kept my mouth shut, but I have truly felt "if I had known", I wouldn't have had children of my own ... just taken care of some that are already here and hopefully, made a decent job of it. Not that I don't love my daughters, I do. But if I think about all the crap that has gone on and how their heads got screwed with, as did mine, I get VERY angry. I feel like I have been living in "white trash world" (well, actually about two steps below even that level) and I HATE it!!
I actually CAN comprehend having a more normal life; I am angry at BUFU because I KNOW this was probably pre-meditated, but all I can say is I am more of a man than I guess he will ever be. I came here with no false pretenses of love, etc. and I just can't get into lying to everyone's face ... to me, that is cowardly as well as causing trouble. Obviously, I would have allocated funds differently and such had I known .... of course, he would like me to be destitute and remain so in order to destroy credibility, etc. It's all a fine line, because this experience has become like a prison sentence, not to mention the financial destruction that occurred. I can hardly believe that last year I could have bought a modest house and picked up on things I have been enjoying, albeit with the hard work of moving, etc. Now I have no idea what "will become of me". But I do know there is nothing to tie me here or actually, anyplace in particular. So if I can figure out the financial aspects, maybe I can scout around for other areas and possibilities. I suppose I don't want to go too far off 'til the girls get settled into their own lives, but maybe somewhat south ... a little more warm weather would be VERY nice!
I have an older half-sister; I've never met her but we "chat" on FB at times. She has "my" house. I acre, paid for and it's an older house that she is renovating and making it "her own", doing much of the work herself. Plus, she has gardens for food and flowers and fruit shrubs. That is what I am hoping for, although at times I would sort of like to design a small but really efficient (for my purposes) house. I told my husband we screwed up when we did this one - a ranch with 2 car garage and full basement (which is storage). The garage should have been incorporated into the basement and the remainder, a walk out basement with lots of windows and a nice patio. Oh well, I think every house teaches me something new! We are having a heat wave and drought here, the temp is supposed to get to 97 today, 96 tomorrow ... then 80s, oh joy! It's been in the 90s quite a bit so far this month and some of last. It took a good hour or so to water some of the flowers and other plants that normally are doing fine this time of year; grass is brown and no burning allowed.I was sort of frustrated with the way the yard looks; I have not put in my vegetable garden for a couple years, thinking I would be out of here a lot faster, so it is all weeds. Trees and shrubs need pruned and a lot of trimming and tidying needs to be done. I think "what a waste" to have to see all the progress that was going on grind to a halt and be spoiled. Whatever, I can't change it so I am going to cope. I need to check my gooseberry bush and I WILL take it with me when I go. Depending where I end up going, maybe take some perennials or some strawberry starts as well.
Replies
Glad to see you posting again and making plans. Hope your new resource proves helpful. Courage. Hugs.
GED? I think you are very brilliant. I\'m actually surprised. Goes to show you the value of formal education...
Don\'t get too caught up in the labels and diplomas. Although for nursing I agree you need to be educated.
My father only made it to junior high and makes far more money than most doctors and attorneys. So don\'t be too caught up on the traditional path. You display a lot of brilliance and raw intelligence. I think this world needs some raw intelligence. ;)
Just like Quepasa says, keep planning and all the dissatisfaction is a good thing. It brings about change.
I dropped out of school at age 15 and managed to have a very successful career in Human Resources and have made more money than many of my college educated friends - not that it is about money of course. After working myself through the corporate world, I wanted a degree just because everyone else had one. I worked extra hard on proving that I could do anything that an \"educated\" person could do, it was quite exhausting. I was out to prove something that i didn\'t need to prove - a degree would not give me any more value to who I am so I put that to the side and continued to self educate. However, recently I have made a career change decision and want to become a counselor so I HAVE to have a degree in order to even break into it. So there are certain careers that it is a necessity, such as nursing, etc. But I agree with bean22 don\'t get caught up in labels and diplomas, looking back I think that not having the education taught me how strong and driven I can be if I want to do something. That has been more value to me than any piece of paper could have given me.....good luck and work the steps needed to achieve your goals!