Time gives you strength

I can't believe how much time has past, how far I have come, how different I am.  I am different from just 3 years ago and I am lightyears from where I was 6 years ago after my accident.  Since I lost CJ in 2007 I also lost my cousin in March 2012.  It's weird what the second big loss does to you.  I thought I was just really stronger and knew how to handle it but really I think the reason I was calmer was because I was so afraid to go back into that really dark place again.  After CJ died I could see no goodness in the world and I was living in gray.  It took so long to let that go and to feel again that after Tyler died I was so scared to feel anything for him.  Even now it is difficult to think about him but the wound is still fresh.  Still I know I am stronger and that I really have changed so much for the better.  While my anxiety has gotten the better of me some days I am no longer in a dark place.  I know that I can't stop death and while it scares the shit out of me I try to mentally prepare for it so it won't be such a shock anymore.  In all this I have discovered a personal strength I truly never believed I had.  It is comforting to know what I can get through but I still fear the unknown.  I try not to think too much of the possibilities for loss because really they are part of our lives every day.  All I can really do is wake up each morning, make it count for something, and tell the people I love what they mean to me.