Time for another attitude adjustment....
I just realized I am 2 wks away from the 2 yr mark....on 1-1-10 it will be 2 yrs without compulsive gambling..... Recently, I crossed a hurdle in my debt recovery....and somehow I thought everything would be easy afterward.....but it seems I still have far to go. Business has slowed down, and I am struggling to make ends meet, pay basic bills, and just make payroll! I find myself disappointed and resentful that I'm not on easy street after 2 yrs of struggle..... I need a big attitude adjustment! I don't know why I thought things would just suddenly be so much easier....I hadn't anticipated the slowdown in business.....sigh.....but I don't want to sink into depression over this.... It seems a good look at where I would be now if I hadn't worked so hard over the last 2 yrs is needed....I would probably in bankruptcy....probably having lost my business. I need to realize I have changed my life, I have made progress....even if I still have far to go! I need to be thankful for what I have....and realize I have no right to expect life to just become easy, for the struggle to be over. If I am able to truly face my challenges, and make a plan....there is hope. I need to accept the need to keep working hard. The problem I am having is from NOT accepting having to work as hard as I have been. So OK....today I will set aside the feelings of defeat, of resentment, of despair. I will start again from the place where I am willing to do whatever it takes, as long as it takes....and I will make a realistic plan. What I need is to reconnect with my strength, with my hope, and my friends. Thanks to anyone reading this for spending your time supporting me.
Replies
Hi Dianne, my business has suffered the last two years also. It has been rough, but when I think of how much worst it would be if I was still gambling. So like you, I just keep working harder and hope and pray Things will get better. I have hope for the new year. We have to have hope, right now thats all we have. I\'m so thankful I\'m no longer gambling. So we go on and in time we will be OK.
Merry Christmas and A very Happy New Year.
Hugs Steph
Oh Dianne....my heart is right there with you. I know I wanted to be completely out of debt and living carefree as well. Well, they sure charge a lot of interest when you get into debt gambling....it certainly isn\'t plausible for me to think I can pay all the bills and get out of debt quick....it will take a while. That\'s ok. More reminders at times are a good thing. You know that if still gambling you wouldn\'t be dealing with a slow time at work....you probably wouldn\'t still have the business. That is reality. And the fact that you have turned your life around and fought to hold on to things that are important to you says a heck of a lot about the woman that you are. 2 years is a huge accomplishmen...be very proud of how far you\'ve come.....I know I am very, very proud of you. You may have stopped gambling 2 years ago, but you continue to grow each day. You are an inspiration and have been so supportive to so many,,,,thank you.
Diane, I agree with everything Gretchen has said ( she sure is a wise young woman). I too get depresssed sometimes at the debt I still have, all from gambling. seems like it just takes forever to get it taken care of. I thought I was doing pretty good for a while, but now the bigger debts just seem to take so long to get rid of.. I will do it, just like you will do it, we will keep working hard, we aren\'t adding to it anymore, so if we keep at it, one day at a time, one of these days we will be out of debt. We can and We Will do this.. .
Two years is huge!!! You truly an inspiration. Love and hugs and wishing you the merriest Christmas ever.
Dianne, Your positive attitude to \"move forward\" instead of sitting in the middle of the road and rolling in the gravel is most encouraging.
Having no hope can make one ill. Gotta keep moving forward. Like the \'make a plan\' idea. I\'ve heard it said \'fail to plan, plan to fail.\'
Again, gotta keep moving. Being in a rut, leaves one stuck. In moving on, I can look in the mirror these days and see a different me - in a good way. I am sooo glad that I made a choice to walk in a different direction away from chains / oppression / destructive behavior. I can tell that I am rising above the yuck that I let hold me for so long.
As I am climbing out from under all of that, I see all of the things that were neglected. Things that are much bigger than me. But, I know they are managable and doable (they aren\'t human - lol), but funds lack -- a roof that needs replaced because it is rotting from a tree branch that layed on the roof for so long. Because my roof has not been replaced (and will not for some time until I can get money to have it done) I cannot get homeowners insurance. My bank is \'kind\' enough to add homeoners insurance to my equity loan at a highly inflated price. Gotta love it. (If they would not inflate the price, I could save money to get the roof replaced and get normally priced insurance). I still have many of the other repairs that need to be done to my house.
But, I know because I am OUT from the downward spiral, I can focus now, my head is clear. Things aren\'t so overwhelming... I know these things will get taken care of at some point... \'one day at a time\' (that is all I have).
The path of \'being thankful for what I have\' is keeping me looking forward. I planted a rose bush in early fall... this week THREE roses bloomed... I am now able to actually \'stop and smell the roses.\'
I do what I can today. My light bill will be paid late this month (thank goodness for a 10-day grace period and a $10 late fee). Still I am laying my head down at night and saying thank you for a good day - not an easy day that is for sure, not as hard or horrible as some days are for others in the world, but a good one for me all the same.
I read somewhere this week that there are angels on earth who do not have wings... people who come along and help where they can or may say something that helps move you along on the journey of life.
You always come across as a very practical and determined person... having a \'where there is a will there is a way\' and a you \'can do this\' type attitude. A disposition that has helped carry me thru several tough nights.
Thanks for sharing this je tonight, it has been a head lifter for me... {{{hugs to you}}} debs
Just think of the things you have accomplished in the past two years... paid off your taxes, restored your dream car... you would have never been able to do that if you were still gambling! I did file bankruptcy, and I still have no money! At least now most of your money problems are from just not enough money coming in, not feeding money to the demons. Hang in there sweetie! You have done a wonderful job in your recovery! Things will get better, they have to. Congrats on two years! That\'s just awesome! You are such a inspiration to me. You have showed me that if I work hard enough at it I can do it! Peace and Love. Patty
Dianne,
You are an inspiration to me. Two years is incredible and I know you are going to continue because you are remarkably strong. I have been re-reading some of the older journals here and you always seem to tackle life head on so I know you will face these new challenges with determination, strength and hard work. stay strong!!
Hugs
Judy
Hey there Miss Dianne.. Give self a Good HUg.. \'because you are AWake. I like Mikey\'s comments.. because like me \'\'when I go back to those first few weeks , months \'\'it \'was \'\'basics . So when I am \'in a muddle and \'\'wanting to sit in a puddle LOL.. I remember when \'it was Horrid \'and Urges , to boot..Debt was \'\'wowsers\'. IN reading your JE. I am \'applauding YOU. Yes \'\'we can \'\'get into the mind and ah gee\'..whiz. And yes being a CG I can slip into self of sabotaging the progress I have made so the Gratitude \'\'LIst \'puts me back on \'track.. YOu are Paying your way.. \'Like me. \'and \'\'One day the Fruit of your labor \'will shine on \'\'YOU .. \'\'A Victory \'that only you and HP can take a \'\'Big Bow for ..And yes agree with Mikey also in\'\'giving \'\'back \'we get \'\'back.. Amen..
Love yah............drum rolling for Jan.1/10..
Sandra.