Time Flies
Over the years I have used that cliche, my punatious quirks have often wondered if I am using the verb, "flies" or the noun. I know, I no. It is every bit as relevant as whether somebody is telling me "I know" or "Aye, NO! ! !" Can they not or can they knot?
Sigh. . . With that speculation, about 3/4 of my psych pro puppet show stood up and accused, "You're deflecting again! ! !"
Can I use the wandering wonder as evidence that my childhood memories of winning spelling bees is fairly accurate? These days I can win multi-lingual spelling bees, if there were such a thing.
So far so good on both girls accomplishing their first full week in daycare. Here on the dawn of Thursday of that first week, neither Hubs nor I have done anything more productive than rest during those precious hours free of the immediate demands of childcare. I still feel like, for now, that is plenty. Life willing, the extra rest will give the chaos of these tremendous changes a chance to settle while hubs and I gather our forces for the long haul.
Yesterday Hubs agreed to hand the ball of negotiating with the other grandparents over to me, at least for this round of holiday planning. I believe he is ready to admit that dealing with the housing project/jailhouse lawyers and welfare nulls in my own family tree isnae the same as dealing with the collegiate crowd that he received his childhood conditioning from. Talking to a mere woman will insult the other grandfather's quasi-Castillian pride, but this is me, not giving a flying fuck as I put on the steel-toed boots I used to manage construction crews. Bring ^it^ on, Cupcake. You ain't the first help-seeking denier I've dealt with.
In preparation for the hard call, I used a tip I learned in a Job Hunting seminar for call-backs to prospective employers. I composed a message for the answering machine the other grandparents use to screen their phone calls. They actually still have an answering machine and a land-line to match. I attended the seminar before the advent of voice mail, so the terminology actually matches. Anyhoo. . . In the suggested use of this technique, the written phone message can be used as an outline to remind me of the points I need to cover and a guide to keep me from sliding off into dangerous ground. Prayers in progress. . .
Still I am tempted to just ignore that psycho snot knot and let it blow whatever direction it will, but the children are quite excited about Christmas and it would be nice to know which direction we are steering their questions toward. I am trying to find the steady calm which will allow me to keep it friendly without falling for the manipulations of help-seeking denial. Help me, help me. Do ^it^ all my way. My life is chaotic enough to prove I know the best way to handle everything, especially with unrestricted access to *your* resources.
Testing, one, two, three. . . Have I achieved the frame of mind I need to approach the serpent's den? My descriptives of the other grandparents remain harsh. Works in progress. . . Reality checks welcome.
Replies
Phone message (Draft 3)
Hello Grampa. This is Gammy calling about Christmas plans. Big Bro and Big Sis are really excited and want as many details as possible about the adventures to come. Winter vacation at Big Bro's school starts ............ and ends .......... . Please let us know if or when you are planning to pick them up and bring them back for visitations. Jeff (CPS caseworker) and Monica (Child Advocacy Lawyer) are waiting to hear specifics.
End of draft. Editorial opines welcome.
Addendum:
The goading phone calls from the other grandparent house stopped almost immediately after we let the children know we were waiting for Grampa and Grama to *come here* and get them. The goading was based on the assumption that we would provide taxi service. Sorry Charlie. We want the same courtesies we gave you when you were providing the heavy lifting of custodial care. We attempted to lighten the burden rather than add to it. It never even occurred to us that we should expect delivery service. Quid pro quo.
Good strategy to rehearse drafts of a phone call like that when approaching feels like drawing near to a serpent's den, arfie. Draft #3 here is very polite. It's good to see that civility is balanced with boundaries in the addendum, too, re providing taxi service.
Thank you, Muji. It is, indeed, scary stuff. In dealing with the dysfunctional expectations of my own branch of the family tree, I have found it helpful to keep ^it^ simple and to the point. The housing project/jailhouse lawyers I share bloodlines with are masters of manipulation and the simpler the boundary, the easier it is to maintain in the face of the on-going search for loopholes.
I never expected this much interaction with my son's in-laws, but here we are. I seem to recall them being very proud of their "Night Owl" lifestyle, so I believe the call needs to happen in the afternoon. Late enough for a night owl but early enough that the kids are still in school and not confused by over-hearing my half of the conversation.
The children still miss their mother's family. . . I am still praying to give them the gift of free and easy access to both branches of their family tree. Since I made it clear to them that the other grandparents were obliged to come get them, the children have stopped talking about or with them much. They still miss Mommy and Daddy, too, but here we are, doing the best we can with what we have to work with.
Why can't life be simple?
You are being generous and thoughtful throughout this process. Hope all goes smoothly. Support and prayers.
I might even call it synchronicity that the other grandfather called Hubs in his office while I was bracing to do the do. Hubs has been down with a respiratory funk this week and his voice is showing the strain. We arenae speaking much for the sake of his throat, plus the fact that he is very hard to understand through the hoarse gurgling. When Hubs gave me the update, he was confident the other grandfather hadnae understood his raspy attempts to give vacation details, much less his attempts to make it clear he would not be providing taxi service, not even to the halfway point where he would be likely to find himself waiting on unreliable people with 3 disappointed children.
When I called back, the call was both civil and appreciated on both ends. I think. At least, that's my prayer and I'm sticking to it. Still no set dates or solid confidence, but I am going to call ^it^ progress.
Arfie , I think your efforts on all fronts has been spot on. The best thing to do with people like that is to be simple, direct, and somewhat politely detached and i think you achieved that well. Im glad you and hubs see the benefit of just resting in the down me time for now. Its i portant to remember that the care givers need care given too. Triple hugs~
Care given to the caregivers? Hah! ! ! I often wonder if the biggest single problem with 21st century life is what we started to call, "Not Working" somewhere's around WWII. I've run construction crews and I've been a not-working bum chasing after adolescent children. The more respected paid work felt like far less work to my then middle-aged bones.
Fast forward another generation, and the "Not Working" of care-giving is being taken literally. Ya leaves the actual care-giving bums with their hobbies. They have ^it^ all. . . Ya does 'em a favor in leaving them more dishes to wash and shittier toilets to scrub. Everybody needs a hobby.
Reminding myself that "Sarcasm" is the Greek word for "tearing of flesh." Sarcasm aside. . .
As the first week of all the children being in school all week, the rest seems to have helped considerable. I feel better. Hubs looks better, though his voice is always the last place he recovers from his respiratory funks. He sounds horrible, but at least I get to talk more and tell a story or three of my own, in my own words. It is mostly convenient to me that he likes to tell all the stories, but every so often it is nice when nature sticks a phlegm sock in his mouth and *I* get to tell a story, beginning to end.
Arfie,
I think the message you drafted is perfect and to the point a festive way and nice way. Rest my friend. You deserve it so much. Here's hoping your hubby recovers from the respiratory funk soon. It's bad this year.
I think writing it from the point of the children's excitement over Christmas is so wise Arf and hopefully it will ward off any caca.... Although I must admit I loved "bring it on cupcake'....smile
I hope that for all of your sakes it will be settled without a hitch..... Gentle hug and a blessing.....xo
I do believe it is a mutual fact that none of the adults in this confusion would have *chosen* to know one another. The children are our only bond. I've worked with less. . .
Hahaha a phlegm sock. I like that ~ triple hugs