Time flies....

wow now it is 2015 where have I been? Well my mom passed February 2015 4 wks from her 101st bday.  I have spent the last 8 months beating myself up for not making the last 9 mos of her life more comfortable I beat myself down to a pulp trying to but, I guess I am human after all!  So, now I am just depressed.  upon waking up this morning I realized I have no one who wants to be around me....we'll it has been this way my whole life. I guess I am just a person people love to dis.....I have so many stabs in my back I look like a sprinkling can. I have always been shy, way to sensitive, hate violence, yelling and meanness and have a very big mouth To cover it up! I don't think anyone who has ever known me ever really got passed the hand and my protecting wall.  Life has not been easy, but evidently I am quite a survivor, at 5'2 and 100 to 112 lbs most of my life ending up raising 4 kids on my own....well I  did good of course I shut down to do it.......now at 72 With no grands living close by and just my son in same town I am very lonesome.  This is first time in my whole life from childhood with demanding, immature, neurotic parents and sibs to abusive marriage, watching pain and suffering finding their own ways kids and grands to my own softening.......life is good and life is not too..  I don't know if these crying jags are depression or healthy release finally of all those tears I never showed or cried!  I just know now I have no friends or relatives who want to be around me....and  I am first to be blamed for any and everything...I guess my parents were right that I was worthless and a pain in the ass and an embarrassment. NOT!!! Boo hoo I am sick to death of no one allowing me to change....trapped in the cell they all lock me into in their own minds. But, when push came to shove and they were needy, sick,  etc. it was me that dropped everything and held everything together for them all.  so as surprised as I am to hear anyone say this about me...I am a good person have been loyal even if I have to say it myself.  now what? I am alone, sad, but want to climb out of this hole and have whatever is left of my life .....no wheels, not much in bank just SS 500 sq ft apt.  Where do I go from here?  I do not know how to communicate...and I really have no trust.  I discovered living in 200 apt senior apts is worse than school for the cliques and back stabbing garbage. Today I only need to take care of me.....I just really do not know how to start or trust or stand up when it is the right thing to do .....since adult kids are some of the worst to accept any change in their own assumptions.  I will be happy for any input.  Have a great day meee and anyone reading this too.   Xoxoxoxoxoxo