time and pieces of my mind

Here's another day.. come and gone I feel I really want to go to my counsellor. I hate that I missed my last appointment - I feel for one unreliable, but also am seeing the obvious connection and frustration of my anxiety and avoidance and how subconscious it is. I badly wanted and NEEEDed my last appointment and yet how did I forget it?? Anyway i've made another, I feel like rat shit, but I'll drag myself there with my head low or not because I really genuinely enjoy the session and i'm sure she'll be able to see that. I feel cut off from my friends. I realise I dont dish out my crap secrets, and they dont either. Maybe they see i'm already in pain and so dont want to load their issues onto mine?Anyway.. It's hit holidays pretty much for uni though i'm still working 4 or 5 days a week. I've completed my assessment - wowzer!!! and yet I don't feel it's finished yet because i've got to attend another class and I've got to set up my graduation exhibition artwork over the next week or two for the show in a few weeks. i'm frustrated because I'm left out of the communication circle and don't have a place to put my art - and so i've just left it there like a discarded lump. I have purchased some fantastic craft items - I feel they are a wonderful grounds for emotional catharsis and healing but I found that when I labelled them as therapy time i kind of started to avoid it and feel like i've got nothing else or better to do... I hate reducing myself but I definately think i do this! We learnt in psych about a theory of Freuds about bereavement and how when there is a loss of self esteem accompanying it then it becomes something quite different - a really unhealthy manifestation of loss. I'm not sure.. if that's what i'm doing; I mean I think I already have been going through low self esteem issues for months now .. but is that tied into the fact I was grieving months ago for John going through chemo and radiation at my house and here with us.. I feel i've got this nut  or pod or omsething, that threatens to burst acid inside me and occasionally it leaks a little out.Can I label it anger, regret, fear, loss, self hate? I think it's just this seering pain that comes and goes like really sharp short waves. Singing can ease it.Craft can ease it.A good comedy can ease it.Counselling can ease it. God can heal it. Wow - I jsut reached an amazing thought point... God CAN HeAL it. As in get rid of it. As in make me like new?! I invite you to do that now God. I know I need it.Fear won't win. I don't need the past to remind me how I was or how I am. I just need God and heaven's eyes and wisdom. I dno't have to rely on others entirely, though inviting them into my world makes me not alone. I don't have to rely on myself entirely, that's too much pressure.God just, take me in your arms and let us have a fun journey because ultimately this world tears me down and I need more joy. Goals for finishing UNI!!!! : whoppeeeeee * Read my fun books* Write music* Get my sheree's sweeties crafts going* Sew curtains for the house* Exercise mon: walk and box, tues: walk and pilates, wed: walk, Boxy pump , thurs: RPM* Keep room clean*Catch up with a new mate once a week at LEAST