thursday thoughts ,some sharings, feelings, and new day.

my mom apologized to me this morning, after the very upsetting, and unfair evening/night that i feel was thrown upon Holly and i. i'm glad my mom realized, that when i mentioned to her yesterday morning, that i didn't want to talk about money issues/subject of money, and her then bringing up money talk, right before dinner, it really made me stressed, and anxious. Thank you angel friends, for your comforting support, and for being here <3 i need to do some writings, sharings, about feelings, thoughts, and how i'm seeing things lately, when it comes to my family. this is helping me a lot.

my dad was way out of line yesterday evening,and it really wasn't even his moment to really talk. both my mom and Holly,and i, are disappointed in him, and really didn't know where he got off, saying some things he was saying, especially when i mentioned, in front of him, that i don't want to talk about money,and was just getting ready for dinner. it's brought some very upset feelings,and my mom is upset with my dad too. we know he's recently had some health issues, but has returned to uber driving, but also has returned to his asking me for money, but also his judgemental ways,that have impacted me over the years. him going off last evening,was very out of place, unnecessary, but it was also very disrespectful, to the point where i feel l ike, with all the times i've helped him,that even an apology from him (if i get one), would be enough. i've actually lost my patience in times where i felt like, i may have earned his respect over the years, but i feel more and more, like i just aren't going to earn it,no matter how much i help him. there's been lots of occurences, especially since 2019, where he's felt entitled, to the point where, he even mentioned once, to not loan Alyssa too much ,because he and my mom needed to borrow money. it's like an entitlement. i've never said no to my mom and dad.

their new car, when they first got it, i fronted them the down payment,when the engine went, it was me who mentioned the warranty period,and them being able to get it repaired, but they needed $1,400 to get it back off the lot, i helped them, only to have a couple days later, he and my mom saying they were going to captain scott's place in new london ,ct, and didn't even invite Holly and i for the ride. it was very hurtful. Cell phone bills, shoppings, for birthday's, Christmas, other holiday's, my dad's asked me if i could give $300 or $600 to my mom, and him for shopping ,i never said no, i always helped. back taxes on our home property, i have helped, utilities, cable, it's been me for a while now, and numerous other times, i've always given, and given.

the 2nd wednesday of each month, is the day my dad recieves his social security benefits money, if they owe me $800, i sometimes will get back, $300, still a balance of $500, until next month, but then they need to re-borrow that $300, it's back to $800 again. i've never gotten upset, and never had said no, when other family's i know, couldn't help, yet i get no respect from my dad, to the point where he would even show respect for my responsbilities of earning online, and savings ,being conservative, and not living above our means, using gift cards to buy collectibles, so i can save money i earn, adding money to my bank account savings. my dad doesn't respect any of it,and it's shown a lot, especially yesterday evening. i'm disheartned and feel very used. my mom's been appreciative, but it's my dad who isn't. i talked with my mom, when he got their bill down to $225 they owed me, my dad had out of 31 possible uber days,he went out about 20 days of those 31, to uber drive, and i said to my mom, he never even gave me $5 each time, to get that $225 bill down more, and then comes at me asking for $525 for property tax money, that was on monday this week, and i said yes, i can help. later on something set me off, my dad was in the living room, he pulls up his iphone,one of his online betting sites, he had $11 on there, and was gonna bet the horses, and i'm thinking to myself, "wait, he can borrow from me, for the house property tax, yet he has $11 for gambling? it really set me off into anxious moments, i woke up numb yesterday morning,feeling very upset ,Holly talked with me a lot yesterday.

Personally, i feel like ,over the years ,i've tried hard to gain/earn respect from my dad. my brothers were his first sons, in the later 1960's, i was born 13 years later, 1981, and just feels like, maybe my dad just saw me, differently, like, for example, i literally grew up at the norwich 10 pin bowling alley, while my dad bowled with my brothers for green stamps, i was given a few quarters to go over to the arcade, never once did my dad, bring a 4 or 5 years old me over to the alley lanes, to show me how to roll the bowling ball. i wondered what it may have been like, to maybe learn from him. i feel like, maybe he was upset that in the early 80's, his bowling career was taking off, and i was born, Jenn 4 years later,and maybe that halted his careeer? my dad never taught me how to drive, but did teach my brothers. my dad's been judgemental to me over the years. my friends gave me a nickname when i was younger, you get a nickname when you're a kid, it's supposed to be very cool, but i had to sit threw a dinner with my dad making fun of that nickname, i remember that dinner,and the feelings of feeling not worth it.

since 2006, i've worked online,and it's not too much, but it's been enough for me to accumulate spending money, and has been very helpful, i felt very proud in recent years, when my parents have needed me, for money. i felt this son proudness i never felt before, like i was doing something worthwhile, you know, like, maybe this is how i will finally get respected by my dad, being the financial smart one, son of his, to help and to be reliable. i had some very proud times, in recent years, where i could get so proud, i felt this feeling of, "i've made it in my dad's eyes", but i was wrong, especially in him having moments like last evening, it showed me, it was just a false hope, that my helping him, really isn't that significant,and that it was an artificial feeling,that set in later on. my dad's judgemental ways of me, has taken it's toll on me over the years. when he worked for papa ginos, and eventually dominos,he would deliver pizza, and would see people's gardens, and say how big the tomatoes are that people are growing ,but ours wasn't that big. i feel like something i enjoyed so much, was being put down,and it was unfair of him to make me feel that way.

i've been very respectful of my parents, and at times, even when i feel like i don't agree with them, i will be quiet,and won't say anything, kinda to let them see, their idea or way, wasn't the right one, i'm supportive, and encouraging. like i wrote last night,Holly and i are basically running the home, we check everything, we make sure our home is safe, secure, doors locked, fans off, and all of our pets ok and accounted for. the front door being left unlocked, or our back door, it worries us, we have to go into this look around the house mode, to make sure all is ok, it's time consuming, but worth it. i've got some issues with talking about money, i feel like, when i help my family,they should be happy i took care of their financial shortcomings, and burden they put upon me,they shouldn't lean on me heavily like they do. i do enough,and all i wanted was to prepare dinner yesterday evening, and money is brough up. it's like, they can't say, "hey Chris, did you see the sports news, or how's the garden?"

i'm disappointed in my dad too, because he knows how i've been stressed to the max in recent years, in 2002, he even said, "i feel bad for Chris, everyone coming after him for money",and that was during the holidays,and then last evening, him not having any respect, or respect for my health wishes to not discuss money, it really hit me in my gut, a sinking feeling of not being respected. i know my parents have done a lot, i never forget that, but lately, especially past 6 years, financially i've done so much for them, i just feel like it's not my dad's place, to speak about any stress about money at all,if anyone is entitled to talking about stress and money, it's me, because so many are leaning on me. i shared last night, about that water pipe, it caused a lot of issues downstair here, carpet cleaner, hairdryers, drying the floor, it was, and it was me, who paid my brother Bobby $400 to repair the pipe, with no expectations of re-imbursemnet from my parents, it came from my savings, and was costly, but worth every penny,not having to dry our floor all day.

i'm glad to be writing, and sharing some heart/spirit feelings,it's been way too long, and my brain has felt frazzled. i'm glad my mom talked with me this morning. i feel like, the old thing last evening,was not necessary, there was no reason for my mom to bring up, that Lisa might be selling her car. i think, even if she did get money, paid me back my $500, she'd be broke weeks later,and would need to re-borrow that $500.

my parents owe me, $725, Lisa is at $400, Alyssa is at $1300, and Jenn is at $125. the loaning to Alyssa, is ok to me, because, she pays me back, every 2 weeks,but she gets Holly and i,any food/water/drinks we want, like $50 to $70 worth,which is is a good trade off for her re-borrowing/renting my money ever 2 weeks to keep up with her bills. she has Holly and i make a list of foods/water,snacks,and brings it each thursday, we also get a sub sandwich/salad on friday evenings. it's why Holly and i can avoid crowded stores and helps us save, it's been a fairly good deal. Lisa brings me an iced coffee each morning,but i do wish she didn't need to borrow that $500 every 3 to 4 weeks. i feel like, all this stress of financial burdens has been unfairly brought upon me, it has felt like people feel entitled to my money savings, i'm quite tired of it, of course, but i have helped my family, but i feel like, sometimes, they see me as the money guy,and wish they would communicate. my brother Charlie, he would communicate with me, about sports, nature, birds, flowers, i miss that, i miss it a lot, and i know we're honoring Buddy in the garden this season, we always will. Holly and i use to grow cucumbers for him,he would be very happy to recieve a bag of cucumbers from us, or string beans.

my brother Bobby, sister's Lisa, Jenn,we don't have that connection,never really have,and it's just at gatherings, Holly and i are just there,but we try to fit in. i wanted to mention about Charlie,we feel his prescence hear,i don't usually share,maybe a few times, but we hear stuff,knocking,sounds like that, sometimes steps upstairs, like someone walking late at night,friday is the night we hear it most, and some days it's quiet. it's good to feel his prescence,and to know his spirit may be around here. it's comforting.i've had a few dreams about him too, including one dream about seeing a #24 in our backyard camper, in the dream,i remember Charlie staying in that camper in the earlier 2000's. i mentioned to some friends,before the nascar daytona 500 earlier this year, that i believe my brother was telling me,#24 was gonna win that race,and that #24 did, it was very neat, and almost like my brother showed me in the dream. he loved nascar.  it's emotional seeing commerials or highlights of it, wishing my brother was still here,and watching those races,and bringing his poker chips over here on sunday to pull numbers of the drivers out of the bag he had,so we could all put a dollar into the players pool, to see if we could win. i wanted to share that for some time,but just didn't get the chance, but since i'm writing like this right now, i wanted to share.

i'm hoping today is a good day,and i'm planning to put together a full baking friday adventure tomorrow. all these feelings, thoughts, i'm glad i'm not surpressing them, it hurts me when i do,and i want to write when i need too. i'm not sure how my dad will be today, but i believe some good space, doing what i like, love to do, nature walks, tending the garden,writing,DS time, and earning online, is best for me, as i heal forward with each day. Thank you angel frineds for always being here, it's your support, encouragement,that really has helped me grow, and to become more able to stand up for myself when i need too. thank you <3 Wishing everyone a good day.