Thursday morning, no idea what happened!!!
Thursday morning, sound asleep at 2:30 a.m., pleasant dream going on when I wake up in a full blown panic attack. At first I thought it was an anxiety attack but as I reflect back it had to be panic.
It went like this: Woke up and bolted out of bed. Started pulling on my sweat pants and sweat shirt while being aware that I was starting to hyperventilate, all this in about 2 seconds. My mind went racing off again to all these dark places and then the trembling started. First the right hand and forearm. Managed to get a whole .5mg Xanax in the mouth and chewed it dry. Didn't care about the taste, just new I needed help...fast. Turned on the furnace (heat) grabbed my smokes and a glass of hot water and headed out side, in the fog, and rain, without a coat, alone. Sat in the yard chair, in the dark, and the cold, and then my legs started to tremble. From fear and the cold, we're talking up and down about 2-3 inches, real fast. Smoked three cigs back to back and couldn't stop my mind from reaching into the deepest, darkest, personal fears, insecurities, inevitabilities. It took a full thirty minutes for the Xanax to start to come on. A very BAD thirty minutes.
I got back to bed, shaky and unsure, but drugged into drowsiness. I woke up at 5:00 and took my Riba, staggered back to bed and finally awoke at 6:15. All I could think of was "What the F_ _ K was that all about.!.!.!"
I gathered my self up and got off to work and had a pretty confident, productive day. No more Xanax through the day but did take another one at 9:00 p.m. to ensure a sound sleep tonight.
So in my previous journal I said that "If you don't know some things are possible then maybe they wont happen........see if that theory holds water..". Well I don't think it's holding much water right know.!.!
I called the Clinic and told them all about it and all I got was "Hmmm, thats interesting" "I'm sure it's tx related, not much we can do for you there but we have made a note of it." I kind of knew that was coming but hey, at least I'm in their notes L.O.L.
Time to get out of that "ignorance is bliss" mode of "cant see it, cant hurt me" And put on that old Boy Scout uniform and start "Being prepared". Because ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE"
I know that I like to keep these journals positive and lite but THIS is just raw facts and not meant to scare. It is meant to inform me and others that each sx IS survivable. Just try to understand what happens, not why.
Little shaky but still standing and staying with it.
It went like this: Woke up and bolted out of bed. Started pulling on my sweat pants and sweat shirt while being aware that I was starting to hyperventilate, all this in about 2 seconds. My mind went racing off again to all these dark places and then the trembling started. First the right hand and forearm. Managed to get a whole .5mg Xanax in the mouth and chewed it dry. Didn't care about the taste, just new I needed help...fast. Turned on the furnace (heat) grabbed my smokes and a glass of hot water and headed out side, in the fog, and rain, without a coat, alone. Sat in the yard chair, in the dark, and the cold, and then my legs started to tremble. From fear and the cold, we're talking up and down about 2-3 inches, real fast. Smoked three cigs back to back and couldn't stop my mind from reaching into the deepest, darkest, personal fears, insecurities, inevitabilities. It took a full thirty minutes for the Xanax to start to come on. A very BAD thirty minutes.
I got back to bed, shaky and unsure, but drugged into drowsiness. I woke up at 5:00 and took my Riba, staggered back to bed and finally awoke at 6:15. All I could think of was "What the F_ _ K was that all about.!.!.!"
I gathered my self up and got off to work and had a pretty confident, productive day. No more Xanax through the day but did take another one at 9:00 p.m. to ensure a sound sleep tonight.
So in my previous journal I said that "If you don't know some things are possible then maybe they wont happen........see if that theory holds water..". Well I don't think it's holding much water right know.!.!
I called the Clinic and told them all about it and all I got was "Hmmm, thats interesting" "I'm sure it's tx related, not much we can do for you there but we have made a note of it." I kind of knew that was coming but hey, at least I'm in their notes L.O.L.
Time to get out of that "ignorance is bliss" mode of "cant see it, cant hurt me" And put on that old Boy Scout uniform and start "Being prepared". Because ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE"
I know that I like to keep these journals positive and lite but THIS is just raw facts and not meant to scare. It is meant to inform me and others that each sx IS survivable. Just try to understand what happens, not why.
Little shaky but still standing and staying with it.
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