Thursday morning,Halloween and Grandma's birthday

Good morning journal,the time is now 7:22am,I have been awake for well over one hour,and I finally gave up trying to jostle for a position in bed beside my wife and our dogs and came here,after a brief visit to the kitchen in search of an invigorating coffee.While I waited,a took a farewell glance from our bedroom door at my wife and our three canine children who have snuggled together,my wife in the middle,and our three fur babies wrapped around her sleeping contentedly in one clump of flesh and fur,where my absence among them has thus far gone unnoticed. Last night,I became very tired and went to bed at 7:40pm,as usual,I fell asleep fairly quickly,and,except for a couple of times during the night when I awoke briefly,I managed to rest until I finally was awakened by Bree,our middle dog,giving me kisses in an effort to get me to cuddle her,which I did,and she curled up with her head on my shoulder and a contented "whumph" sound in my ear,at least I think it was,I had no ears in,so it could just have been a doggy sigh of happiness.We lay like that for over an hour until cramp forced me to move,an action which saw Bree transfer her affections to my wife,leaving me with one foot on the floor,and no other option than to let the rest of my body follow suit,so,as usual at this early hour,I came here,for no other reason than to try to gather my thoughts and get my head straight for the day ahead.Yesterday was a day of relative calmness,I was tired for most of it and my appetite was virtually non existent,I did manage to eat some of my wife's homemade soup,which was delicious,but I had no desire for anything more substantial. Now,have we heard from complex mental health?,...the short answer to that is no,the telephone call that we were promised never materialized,so we are no nearer ascertaining whether I still have a designated social worker or not,perhaps we will find out tomorrow when we see my psychiatrist,that's if I still have one of those on my case,it will be interesting to find out if they even know who I am when we check in at reception,it's rather fun,in a masochistic kind of way, when you really haven't a clue what the hell is happening or who,if in fact there is anybody,is supposed to be looking after you. I have gotten to the stage where I expect nothing,and should anything happen concerning my treatment,I think of it as a bonus,it's less hurtful that way,rather than to be promised something and then have that come to nothing,it crushes the spirit,and my spiritual state is already in a somewhat fragile condition.Since I became ill,I have seen two mental health nurses,two psychiatrists,and two social workers,doctors,consultants,and everyone in between,I am getting more tired every day,waiting for people to help,so I find it easier not to expect,if that makes any sense. I sometimes sit and wonder if there will come a point where I will finally say," enough is enough",how much can one person be expected to take?,how many disappointments will be enough to say, "that's it,no more?". If the system or the state can't,or refuses,to help me,who do I turn to next?,there is no-one else,if I'm honest,I feel as if I'm just sitting here waiting to die and nobody cares. When I was able to work,I paid my taxes and my national health insurance,the same insurance that is supposed to help you should you become sick,it is only now,after almost forty four years of paying my dues,that I am finding out that my country has been lying to me all this time. I can feel within myself that I am beginning to isolate myself again,withdrawing from people and figures in authority,I know I'm doing it,but I can't help it,it's a natural defense mechanism,if I let you in,if I believe,you'll hurt me again,it's easier this way. I have already come to the conclusion that my visit to the psychiatrist tomorrow will be yet another waste of my time and his,but I will go,if only for the reason that it would upset my wife if I didn't. Physically,I am getting weaker,and mentally,I am in a very dark place at times,it feels like I only have my wife and my voices who seriously listen to me,I have given up on everybody else. My journal is the only other place I can come and try to put my thoughts into some kind of order,and even that is becoming harder to do. Anyway,enough for now,it is time to get ready for the day ahead,until next time then,we wait for somebody,anybody,to help us,please God give us the strength we need to get through another day.