Thursday meeting and Me

I'm just baking today! I would love to cook alot of things! But it is to risky when I have the blood demon. So I'll have to wait till next week, till I can go hardout with the cooking.I am so exhausted physically and emotionally, and I feel pain in both. I wish so much, that I had more days fulled with happiness, than sadness. That I could wakeup, knowing I was not afraid of him. That I could talk to him, and knowing he would not laugh at me.But I am intimidated greatly by him, and don't dare go near him, nor speak to him.As with him, he doesn't speak to me either, and most likely ever shall, unless I speak to him first.All I want from myself this evening, is for me to look into his eyes. Smile, and don't blush. This is all I ask of myself. If I do this one thing, atlest then, maybe he might know I do not despise him. (in the past I may have done something in my body language, that he misinterpreted to mean hatred, when it was really fear!)