Thursday 12/26/2013
So we went to Christmas at my aunts and he was a nice day. It was good to see my cousins little kids. I'm amazed that we were all so innocent and happy at one time in our lives. How the hell did we end up so sad and depressed? I think we need to learn from the children rather then adults teaching children to become the stressed out depressed goofs we end up being.
Anyway, today isn't too bad so far. The chronic pain started a bit this morning but then went away for the most part. I took my pain meds to try can keep things in check. The anxiety / depression is also at bay for the time being. Of course in the back of my mind I fear the pain will return (as it seems to do) and the anxiety/depression will return (as it seems to do).
The biggest problem with feeling "ok" is that it ends up being temporary with causes frustration and dis.appintment. Having to us pain meds just to feel somewhat better is also frustrating. I pray for the day that I don't need pain meds and I just go back to normal. The docs say that day will come but it's hard to truly believe.
It's scary being so close to the edge of that dark pit but it's better then being in it. If I could just string together a few good days. I could slowly gain some confidence that maybe things are getting better.
The problem is every time I start to feel good for a few hours I get derailed. The chronic pain acts up throwing me back into a dark state of mind and making my stomach tense up like I want to get sick. It also makes me not want to eat. Everyone commented on how thin I have become. I pretend that I'm trying to lose weight but in reality, when I'm in pain or my depression is acting up, I basically have to force myself to eat. I don't want to get get myself even more sick by not eating. Catching a cold or flu on top of this would be a nightmare.
I imagine how it will feel to be back to normal again. I will appreciate even the smallest of daily details and if I don't I'll refer back to these journals and remember the days living in Hell trying to find my way out in the dark.
I can feel the chronic pain lurking just under the surface. If it would just go away. If I could just tolerate it better until it does go away because maybe it will never go away. No one knows but God and he's not letting me in on the secret.
My mom says it's one more day closer to getting better. I can only hope and pray she is right. The one thing about my mom is that she is usually right :) I pray to God her instincts are correct again.
Anyway, today isn't too bad so far. The chronic pain started a bit this morning but then went away for the most part. I took my pain meds to try can keep things in check. The anxiety / depression is also at bay for the time being. Of course in the back of my mind I fear the pain will return (as it seems to do) and the anxiety/depression will return (as it seems to do).
The biggest problem with feeling "ok" is that it ends up being temporary with causes frustration and dis.appintment. Having to us pain meds just to feel somewhat better is also frustrating. I pray for the day that I don't need pain meds and I just go back to normal. The docs say that day will come but it's hard to truly believe.
It's scary being so close to the edge of that dark pit but it's better then being in it. If I could just string together a few good days. I could slowly gain some confidence that maybe things are getting better.
The problem is every time I start to feel good for a few hours I get derailed. The chronic pain acts up throwing me back into a dark state of mind and making my stomach tense up like I want to get sick. It also makes me not want to eat. Everyone commented on how thin I have become. I pretend that I'm trying to lose weight but in reality, when I'm in pain or my depression is acting up, I basically have to force myself to eat. I don't want to get get myself even more sick by not eating. Catching a cold or flu on top of this would be a nightmare.
I imagine how it will feel to be back to normal again. I will appreciate even the smallest of daily details and if I don't I'll refer back to these journals and remember the days living in Hell trying to find my way out in the dark.
I can feel the chronic pain lurking just under the surface. If it would just go away. If I could just tolerate it better until it does go away because maybe it will never go away. No one knows but God and he's not letting me in on the secret.
My mom says it's one more day closer to getting better. I can only hope and pray she is right. The one thing about my mom is that she is usually right :) I pray to God her instincts are correct again.
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