Throwing myself a pity party

Today has been a bad Lupus day. I hurt and I feel like I have not slept in years. Ugh! I am feeling very emotional and sad.
I was diagnosed with Lupus in 2004. It put a strain on my marriage but it was minor. He didn't want to know about Lupus and any time I tried to tell him how I felt he would walk away. I learned to deal with it alone. In March of 2012, the hospital I worked for came in and told me I was too sick to continue working and put me on medical leave. I was a nurse in an ER. The hospital refused to help me find a position that was less physically demanding and decided to terminate my employment. I have tried to find a better suited nursing position but no one wants a broken nurse. That is when my marriage went to hell. He turned to alcohol as a means of dealing with it. His anger became very evident in the way he treated me. If the house was not spotless and a full course meal on the table, I was called a fat, lazy slob. It did not matter how lousy I felt. If there was even one dish in the sink or a toy on the living room floor, holy hell broke loose! He knew when he married me that I was not a housewife kinda girl. I always did my own thing and supported myself. I do keep a clean house but I also have 3 kids and multiple pets. It is damn near impossible to be perfect, even for a healthy person. I learned to push through the pain and fatigue to do what he wants so that I didn't have to be the brunt of his attacks but it is never good enough. There is always something for him to bitch about.Fast forward to a few months ago, before I decided to file for divorce. I was talking to a family friend about everything. His words of advice for me were to stay in the marriage or prepare to be alone because it would be completely unfair of me to expect another man to have to deal with my medical diagnosis and my children.Tonight, I was sitting in a hot bubble bath, trying to get my joints to calm down a bit and that last part hit me like a ton of bricks. The family friend is right. I need to prepare myself to do this alone. I would never ask my children to stop their lives to take care of me on bad Lupus days. My oldest will be going to college in a year and a half. He needs to go and live his life. He has so much potential. My middle child and only daughter would totally abandon her dreams to care for me when and if the time comes but I won't let that happen! My little one still has 9 years before he leaves for college so I just need to keep it together until that point. On top of that, I am not a pretty woman. I am rounding my mid 40's and I could probably stand to shed a few pounds. With all this stacked against me, why would anyone want me?I know it is way too soon to think about another relationship, and honestly, I am not thinking of that point but I can't help but be sad over the loss of my marriage and the inevitable loneliness in the future.I have to say, that, as I sit here and get this all out, I can't hep but wonder what I did so wrong in my previous lives to deserve this one. I must have been a horrible person!