Three things.......
First item on my mind is really the most superficial. Superficial may be an odd word to use but that is how it feels. It is the surety with which i know he is still drinking, and probably will continue to do so that makes it necessary to completely detach from the situation. I continue to find myself angry, disappointed and wrung out, but in ways that can be described as "superficial". With less intensity, as if instead of completely cutting a cord I have let it slowly fray over time. It is about to break! And that break will be the completion of a goal of sorts. When I am upset/reacting, it is like a higher form of myself watching and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am okay.. . Superficially, I am still irritated to have to still deal with his alcoholism and all the fun and games. Which leads to #2:
the innate self centered/ selfishness of an addicted mind. This annoys me on a deeper level, because it is a pervasive trait. Affecting every aspect of a persons life and relationship. Most annoying to me is the tendency he has to be in complete denial of marital damage which is ongoing and does not disappear in sober moments. He pretends that all is well and expects me to do the same. Any emotional detaching on my part becomes fodder for confrontation and eventually an excuse to relieve stress with a drink. Even outside of the drinking issue itself, the self centeredness becomes a constant irritant, he also needs to constantly remind me of small infractions. For example..... This morning, he comes down the stairs with the phone in his hand..... He must have left it on his desk yesterday, but the implication was that I was irresponsible and forgot to return it to its cradle when I ignored him, he pushed the issue then I said so okay, just hang it up. I am also getting fed up with the withdrawal symptoms EVERY weekend of increased anxiety, irritation and diarrhea/with cramping. Isn't it interesting how each weekend brings the same virus. I am finding myself FINALLY making independent decisions, not worrying what he thinks, not caring if he is angry. With each selfish act or attitude I simply remind myself that that is an alcoholic personality trait (drunk or sober), and then I move on.
#3.........me, in this relationship. This weekend I felt so unhappy, seemingly with no reason. Really????? Who am I kidding? Mr. Irritable ruined a trip to visit our son. my skin crawled every time I was in a room with him, watching him fall asleep in the middle of a task, I hate his hair style, his attempts to disguise his failing abilities , his stupidity. I guess slowly over time I have just given up . But that's okay, because I have given it my best shot. I have done the work to restore a marriage in trouble ALONE, and it does not work that way. It must suck to be him.
the innate self centered/ selfishness of an addicted mind. This annoys me on a deeper level, because it is a pervasive trait. Affecting every aspect of a persons life and relationship. Most annoying to me is the tendency he has to be in complete denial of marital damage which is ongoing and does not disappear in sober moments. He pretends that all is well and expects me to do the same. Any emotional detaching on my part becomes fodder for confrontation and eventually an excuse to relieve stress with a drink. Even outside of the drinking issue itself, the self centeredness becomes a constant irritant, he also needs to constantly remind me of small infractions. For example..... This morning, he comes down the stairs with the phone in his hand..... He must have left it on his desk yesterday, but the implication was that I was irresponsible and forgot to return it to its cradle when I ignored him, he pushed the issue then I said so okay, just hang it up. I am also getting fed up with the withdrawal symptoms EVERY weekend of increased anxiety, irritation and diarrhea/with cramping. Isn't it interesting how each weekend brings the same virus. I am finding myself FINALLY making independent decisions, not worrying what he thinks, not caring if he is angry. With each selfish act or attitude I simply remind myself that that is an alcoholic personality trait (drunk or sober), and then I move on.
#3.........me, in this relationship. This weekend I felt so unhappy, seemingly with no reason. Really????? Who am I kidding? Mr. Irritable ruined a trip to visit our son. my skin crawled every time I was in a room with him, watching him fall asleep in the middle of a task, I hate his hair style, his attempts to disguise his failing abilities , his stupidity. I guess slowly over time I have just given up . But that's okay, because I have given it my best shot. I have done the work to restore a marriage in trouble ALONE, and it does not work that way. It must suck to be him.
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