Three More Days
I will be off again and my day will begin by picking him up and bringing him back home. I am glad for him, but as he has already started with his helpful suggestions... ( How the next couple days I should stop over after work and start lugging his clothes... and stuff home), I can feel the resentment building AGAIN.
In one breath, he is telling me things he plans on doing (as far as being a bit more active-- that they have finally gotten him to begin while there) But in the next breath reminding me of other things he will still need my help with. I am ashamed to say, the more I hear, the more annoyed I get. (My mind goes to all the things I have begged and pleaded to him to give me a little help over the years-- yet in the end, coming home from work and again still having to do them myself)
I will also be telling him about the divorce, handing over a hefty retainer and praying for an agreement and end to this--- and a chance for a new beginning. I am afraid of his reaction-- and preparing for him to perhaps sick his sisters on me. There is nothing that they can really do, and they know how things have been and what I have put up with. They all are from the old school--- that is how all men are and you just get used to it. (I am tired of it, being discounted, ignored and feeling ridiculed. Tired of being the one doing virtually everything. and tired of just a peck on the cheek-- that I don't even really wanna give him anymore. ) Yes , again I am becoming the angry bitter person I hate... but I will try my best not to.
My head is spinning as I look halfheartedly for a place to go. Have seen some apts around here--- my sister is trying to get me to head a little closer to the rest of the family (may see a little more of them , would mean transferring to another of our stores actually probably the one I originally started at. )
I have been chatting with someone from here . I reached out to him originally to try to console him and help him through a very hard time since he just recently lost his wife to a very lengthy illness. In the end, he has listened and done as much for me as I did for him. I actually look forward to yacking with him on the phone everyday-- morning and night-- he has brightened my days and tells me he wants me to come and spend some time with him. (He is just 2 hrs away, 1 state over) Ideally, he would like me to go and stay with him. He wants the chance to BE the man I have wanted-- one who is kind, loving, supportive, protective and wants to do for me (rather than just what I can do for him) I know it is too soon and I have told him I can't bear to jump back in to the same situation. He is struggling to get back on his feet after going through finances with medical bills and funeral expenses. But well on the right track. Starting a new job on Monday, back in a small apt. I told him I want (need) to be more than a roommate . (That would be just as easy to find right here.) The thought of starting over somewhere else is tempting, just a big leap with one new person I have yet to meet.
Then I come home to the neighbors all decorated and festive for the holidays. Looks so pretty and I do love this time of year, but for me is just bittersweet as I am reminded I don't know what exactly my future holds or where I will ultimately be. I think I need to put the joy of the season in my heart and try like hell to shake the stress and worry-- but is easier said than done. And my neighbors on the side of our drive who were so very kind, good friends who just moved last week. Seeing their house all empty and knowing now they too are gone...
SO many changes--- and yes, this old dog doesn't do so well with change. But perhaps if I do realize that these are changes for the better (at least I hope so)
MY MOOD--- well, how about stressed, annoyed, guardedly hopeful. I am trying very hard to let go of the resentment, guilt and fear.
I am just a mess.... but in the end will be ok. (I think. wink, wink)
Thank you all for again listening. (am feeling like an old tape. sorry)
Replies
Hope you get the change you need and deserve.
Thanks.
I know change is hard. I don't like it either. I hope he takes it well. You deserve happiness!
good luck.....lucky duck!
I wish you the best of luck, Kim and hope things move on smoothly. You don't sound like an old tape. You have gone through so much and deserve a better life. Hold on to those dreams. HUGS!!
Hang in there Kim.
When I really began to forgive myself enough to let go of the past is when things began changing. My actions and pain from relationships all got jumbled in my head to become this self esteem black hole. It’s taken me two years of hard work to begin to let go of the guilt. Drop it like it’s hot!! And don’t be ashamed at feeling frustrated. You are taking off the constant care giver hat, remember? Something else that can be in the past to move beyond.
Hugs Kim.
Hugs...
hugs my friend stay strong and true to yourself.
Remember when you asked about staying in the moment? This the time where you can try to practice that, because with all that is going on, the holidays, him coming home, the comfort
of the person you’ve been talking to, it will be easy to get caught up in every single what if, which can derail and distract you.
I think you can count on your husband using every tactic to guilt you, discourage you, manipulate you etc. See knowing that about him as a tool to prepare you so you can weather it. If you let him he get under your skin, he wins. Remind yourself over and over again, that whatever he says to undermine you is about him not you. What he says is not of consequence.
Guilt is like a self inflicted wound, a learned emotion that serves no purpose except to undermine yourself. I can think of fewer more useless emotions than guilt. Maybe shame but I think they go hand in hand sometimes.
Stay the course and just maintain your position and how it’s gonna be. You are in the driver seat. You have been all along. Put the pedal to the metal.
Have you considered leaving the town you live in. If only for a few months or longer? Or forever. Some will say that it's "running away from your problem", but it would allow you to think clearly and gain the strength to return and confront. Plus, the time away would really hammer home just how serious you are.
There is such a tendency to fall victim to routine and allow it to control our lives. People want to see us for who they think we are rather than who we want to be.
Maybe get a job on a cruise ship - you'll be paid, away at sea where YOU control communication.