Three Months

I woke up at 3:07am. It was sometime between 3am and 3:30am October 30, 2006 that Cara passed from this life. I don't know really what to feel. I'm sad but I was already sad somewhat. I do believe Cara is in heaven and I shouldn't wish her back, but sometimes its just sort of hard not to. I really don't though because none of us need to go through what we've been through again. This sounds self pitying but its the truth. Cara has talked to me several times. In the first few weeks after she died I cried and begged her to talk to me but she didn't. Was there a time lapse in her passing over? I truly don't know. Some of the things she told me were painful. They weren't mean or hateful, just some details about how she died. Then I was driving home from work... I cried on the way to work and on the way home. It was a time when I could be alone with my pain and not upset anyone. I'm sorry to take advantage of your kindness by going on and on. Sometimes its hard as you know. Just as I should not and do not wish to bring Cara back to the pain she was in I need I guess not to speak further of her for this moment at least. I live in Baton Rouge, LA and we're expecting it to be quite cold this next weekend. Cold for us at any rate. Its supposed to be in the teens or low 20's. Brrrrrrrrrr I'm dreading it. I laugh at myself at what I consider cold now... when the temp gets in the 40's I'm freezing. I'll be in real trouble if I ever try to live where its really cold again. I was born in Oklahoma and we had paper routes when I was a kid. My stepmother wouldn't let us wear our shorts until it was at least 50 degrees. Today at 50 degrees I want extra clothes not less. One time in particular I remember the streets were all iced over. My stepmother drove us on our paper route that day. While she was probably worrying herself sick about not losing control of the car on the icy streets we were skating up and down having one of the best times ever delivering papers. I talk to my stepmother fairly often and she has been a God send these last few months. I cooked a chicken vegetable noodle soup today and its quite good. I cleaned out some paperwork and washed a load of laundry. I need to go get the load into the dryer as the hubby is going to be out of socks soon. I talked to my aunt. This is a hard month. Her mother my maternal grandmother passed Jan 26, 2006. She's doing fairly well. I was glad to hear she baked grandma a birthday cake last year for her birthday and is thinking about buying a plant for her birthday this year. I hope she buys some iris. My grandmother had several species of iris. She sent my mom some bulbs of several different kinds years ago and mama loved those flowers so much because they came from grandma. Unfortunately when the house was sold no one thought to dig up the bulbs. I think I'll buy some iris bulbs for grandma and a yellow rose bush for my mama. I want to get some angel chimes for Cara. I am just now beginning to think about going out and its a bit frightening. It was a bad year or a good year depending on how I look at it. My mother also died last year April 22, 2006. When my aunt and I talked today we agreed that while we miss them we're so glad they have their dignity back and that they're not in pain any longer. I miss my mama but I'm glad I don't have to see her grieve over Cara. She loves Cara so very much. My mother's name was Cara and I named my daughter after my mother. Mama was there when she was born and always loved her so much. I'm happy for Mama and Cara both that they are together.