Three Accidents Oh My Gosh Thats Really Bad

I can’t remember much of today.  I don’t want to remember much of today.  I want to block it out and not remember but it bothers me I can’t remember but I’ll do the best I can.  I had three, yes three, accidents today with my therapist.  I was talking to the curly long hair girl in the waiting room and my therapist called me in.  I sat down and the first thing she asked me was, “What’s that look on your face?”  I didn’t know it showed and replied, “I have to go to the bathroom … and Big Bertha is calling me,” and I looked toward her drawer.  I said how she’s been calling me but I haven’t been paying attention.  She made some comment like she wants to come out and play, too.  She opened up her drawer and pulled out three bags of mine wondering which one she was in.  Three bags!  She got the one, left that and another out that I have no idea what’s in there or why and put my extra clothes back in the drawer and closed it.  I really needed to go and squiggled around a little and told her.  But I also showed her the 2 pajama bottoms and asked her which one – the heart ones or the flannel.  She asked me which ones I’m bringing and I have no idea so she said it’ll be warm in California so not the flannel.    She turned around while I stood up and tried to change.  I got my shoes off and started peeing.  “I can’t do this,” I told her.  I think she said, “That’s OK.”  “What do I do?” I asked.  She pointed with her arm and asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom and her back was still towards me.  I said that someone may be out there.  She got up, opened the door a tad, closed it saying they were.  I just stood there, legs crossed, trying to cover with my hands, peeing and she was facing me now.  I quickly moved a plastic bag down to stand on in case some dripped on the floor.  I didn’t want her carpet to get wet.  It didn’t.  She took another peek and was waiting until they cleared the hallway.  Soon I said that it didn’t matter anymore.  Well, I didn’t say, but I was done.  Plus, I didn’t say this either that I didn’t want to drip drop all the way to the bathroom.  If I stay in one spot with my legs crossed it’s less likely to do that – sometimes it still does though.  So I told her I’d just change in there.  By now she was definitely facing me.  She was earlier, too.  I don’t know what she saw.  I’m sure she did.  You can’t hide that completely.  It was down my legs in front and even further down one leg in the back (I think she just saw the front).  She said I could put Big Bertha on with the pajama bottoms and I did.  Later she didn’t realize I did that and wanted to know if I wanted to put her on.  She was surprised when I already did and asked me how it felt.  “I feel it,” I told her.  But it wasn’t so bad if I didn’t move.   So after I had changed she turned around and we both sat down.  She asked me how I was doing and if I learned anything from this.  I replied something like, “Just like always” meaning this happens a lot.  I told her I just had to go too badly.  She said maybe this is something we should do later in the session when I have more time.  I had told her again how it’s so hard to time right.  Just before that she told me we can try again.    So we went on talking.  I can’t remember.  I can’t remember much.  I’m so upset about what happened I can only remember the bad feelings and not much words.  I told her about lunch with my cousin, the camp co-coordinator calling.  Me calling my son and why would he tell me they can’t pay for him to come and they can.  It’s his dogs he doesn’t want to leave.  My other son’s new phone and getting the youngest one – his birthday maybe but he didn’t get me anything.  Paying for him when we go out there.  She still pays for her boys unless it’s a souvenir.  I called my son.  He called me back while I was changing clothes the second time.  Also about bringing gifts for people out there – yes, she does too especially if you stay there and for my Aunt.  I did but just wanted to know.  I told her the women’s thing and the baby shower I’m not worried about.  She said how the women’s thing I can plan ahead of time by looking to see where the bathrooms are when I get there and sitting on the end and leave if I have to.  The baby shower I’ve been to this clubhouse before and I know where the bathrooms are.  She said it’s good – I’m progressing.  A year ago I would have just been worried and scared.  I said yes, but often, when I get there I get scared.  And some things are harder than others.  She knows.  We talked about my grandson having a sleepover this coming weekend and I’m hoping he’s not sick.  I go crazy before my trips.  And my daughter said, without his medicine he’s been wetting the bed and I don’t want to have to deal with that.  She asked why.  I don’t want to shame them or reflect any of my feelings on to them.  She said I’ve always been good about that with them.  Yeah, I have.  But it brings to mind my memories.    Once I was going to say something and I couldn’t – I really hesitated.  She said I better just go on and say it.  I couldn’t I just wanted to go on talking so that’s what I did.  I asked her if I can use my extra extra session next week and we’ll bill that to insurance.  It’s better for her anyway because she gets paid more.  We have plenty.  I want to save next Thursday for my worry box and successes.  No thoughts of accidents before my trip.  And I want to do some role playing and go next door again.  She said we’ll work real hard next week.  Yes.   Soon I needed to go to the bathroom again and I had Big Bertha on.  I said I wanted to lay down.  She asked me what I want her to do.  Lay down, or sit down with me.  She sat down Indian Style with me while I laid.  She said to put some plastic down – a plastic bag I did.  When I laid I wanted to be sure I was laying right on top of it.    We talked just a little – not much a sentence or two.  Who knows what.  Then I really needed to go and I was trying not to at first.  I glanced at her and she was looking up in the air not to look at me and didn’t say a word.  I tried really hard but probably less than a minute I said that I can’t do this anymore and started going to the bathroom.  I have a feeling I was making noises trying to hold it when I was.  I hate that.  It’s really hard.  I hate the silence, too.  After I asked her what I should do now.  She said to look and see how it worked.  She asked me if she should or do I want to.  I did but got up and the whole upper right side was wet and she saw, too.  I wanted to make sure her carpet was not wet and I’m so glad it wasn’t.  I was really concerned about that since a couple times in the past a little got on the carpet/rug.  She said it helped but didn’t work completely.  She turned around while I changed.  I had to have her get my jeans from her drawer first because I only had another pair of pajama bottoms left.    That’s when my son called (when I was in the middle of changing) and I whispered for her to turn back around when I was all changed.  When we hung up we talked a little.  I asked her if another brand might work.  She asked what these were.  Tena and the other brand is Depends for Women.  I could go far away and buy them.  She said maybe another brand would do better.  I asked if a pad inside might work.  She said probably not because it would move around when I sleep.  She wants me to go online and see if I can find something that would keep it in and give added protection.  Or, invent something for what me and other women might need and benefit from.  She described the pad I use at home and I told her but when it gets wet I wouldn’t be able to wash it.  I definitely need something for my cousins house she told me.   So we talked more but I can’t remember what.  I felt like I kept jumping around a lot.  I couldn’t concentrate for some reason.  I told her I knew I was going to do Big Bertha today and that got me all …. whatever word I used.  There was one part of the couch that was wet and I have no idea why.  I felt embarrassed but I had to tell her.  She told me to get a tissue and wipe it.  That’s what I did commenting that I have no idea how it got wet there.  She didn’t say anything.   I’m so excited for this trip but I’m so anxious.  I even looked into staying longer but it would cost too much.  She said we are doing a lot maybe to cut something out but we can’t.  My son wants to go kayaking and I’m not sure.  She’s been.  She knows I’m afraid because there are no bathrooms and also I don’t want it to be rocky or get seasick.  Maybe he can do that with my husband/his Dad and I can go shopping.  I just felt like I couldn’t concentrate.  Big Bertha?  The accidents?  I don’t know.  I even said how I’m thinking too much – worrying – about this at home and I can’t get my work done like I’d like to.  She said … I can’t remember!  This is so frustrating!  Something about instead of worrying be prepared.  But I don’t remember anything else!  She said something about preventing myself from getting into the denial – I don’t have this problem – mode.  That would not be good.  And something about it’s good I do these things but not when they are too hard for me.  I just wish I can remember what she said about worry and relating it to the trip.  She handed me a handout today titled “Anxiety Strategies”.    I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom room again.  I told her.  This was the third time!  I guess I was just so worried or upset about all of the above.  I don’t know.  She said how it was at the end – I said I better go and glanced at the clock.  We still had about 6 or 7 minutes left.  I went and the door was locked.  I came back into her office, “Someone’s in there.”  I said down and I’m sure I looked like I really needed to go.    She said to think about what options I have.  I could wait or go down the hall.  I didn’t say but I didn’t think I’d make it down the hall and I wanted to stay close to clothes or whatever.  She told me I can make it, I can do this.  I just sat there really trying to hold it and very worried.  Was I panicking and it made it worse or did I just have to go that badly?  I sure felt panicking – any locked door like that.  Just then she said she’d look.  She went out and by the time she came back after checking the door she said it was clear.  She told me to take my stuff with me (after taking the other pad and Big Bertha left and put into the other bag that I’m not sure what that stuff it) into the massage therapist because she has another client coming.  I stood up and started getting my bags and crossed my legs, put my hands by my crouch and said, “I don’t know if I can make it.”  I think she echoed it knowing I may not be able to.  We had just said before that I don’t have any jeans left to change into if I needed to.  I asked her if I could just leave that stuff and go.  Yes.  I think she knew I couldn’t wait to grab everything.  I went and came back saying, “Not exactly,” or something like that.  She looked and could see how wet my pants were in the crouch area going a little down my legs.  Not super bad but you could definitely see it – several inches.  And, like I said, I gets bigger and spreads when I sit.    She tried to help me figure out what to do but we had like zero time left.  She said about having back up, back up plans.  I asked her if she had any extra clothes.  No.  I had the pajama bottoms.  No, that wouldn’t look right.  She asked me if I have extras in the car.  I think maybe – it’s been a while.  She said to go out there first.  But the massage therapist already saw me and I didn’t think I could.  She thought she saw my wet pants.  No – just me (just then when I went into the bathroom).  I told her how I hate this problem.  She knows.  She said about using my jacket to cover and know how uncomfortable it’ll be.  And I have to pick something up the opposite way of my house before I go home.  She thought I could go home first but I already told him a time so I couldn’t.  I left.  It felt very finished and undone.  I was really upset about what happened but I needed to go.  We couldn’t even talk about it.  Not that I want to because I want to try to forget the whole thing – all 3 of them!  But I feel like I need to and until I do it’ll be really hard to move on.  I feel the shame really, really bad.  It’s hard to get out of.  I haven’t yet.  She did say how tuff it is, no maybe she used the word disappointing, but that’s it.    I went into the massage therapist and sat down quickly.  Luckily it’s dark in there.  It was uncomfortable.  The first thing she said to me when she touched my back and neck was “You are tight as a board!”  I wonder why?  I was quieter than usual.  I tried to talk to her but I was also feeling so sorry for myself and trying not to cry.  Once she said to take a deep breath, relax and let it all out.  Yeah … that’s all I would need to do.  I think I’ve already done that too many times today.    I got done, tired to act normal, wrote her a check and tried to scoot out of there as fast as I could holding the bag and the jacket to cover.  I went out to my car and yes, in my trunk was another pair of pants.  I got them and went back inside to the downstairs bathroom to change.  I went back out to my car to leave and my massage therapist was already by her car, she glanced, don’t know if she knew it was me.  I’m sure she’d wonder what took me so long to leave.    When I tried to find this guy’s house I passed up the street to get to it I don’t know how many times – a lot.  I just can’t concentrate.  I feel so badly for myself.  Why do I keep doing this?  I shouldn’t have these many accidents!  I shouldn’t!  And I think the last accident was the hardest because it was real.  It wasn’t planned or practicing like we do.  It was a real life situation with the door being locked that can very well happen in real life.  And the fear and the accident and all.  The reality of it all.  It sucks!  The best thing I could do is go to the girls night out program tonight with my friends.  And the laughter yoga they had.  It was great.  But what did I do – like I say I don’t have a problem with this and don’t do – I was laughing so hard I peed 2 times.  Not a lot and I had black pants on but still … enough with the peeing today!  And my friends were all there when I got there so I didn’t get to check to see where the bathrooms were.  But the first chance I saw one I went.  And I went before a 10 minute table massage.  And one friend asked me how my problem is and I said I’ve tried  different medicines and nothing helps so I guess I have to just live with it.  She did point out that it could be something worse.  That is very true and thank you God for blessing me with what I do have and sparing me from bad things.  But the problem is still there and hasn’t gone away and won’t go away – maybe some day it will.