thougts out loud

I know I'm not the only one. I don't want to come across as being overly needy or unable to stand my own. I'm a strong person. Usually, I'm a fighter and I won't back down until I get what I was after. I usually have a tougher attitude. It usually is hard to get under my skin... unless you are taking my guy from me or starting things with my kids... then for some reason I can become supermom and superwoman and lift heaven and earth to get things accomplished but all the while, I'm crying inside. Hiding the emotions until they burst out. My guy is a testament of that. We dated when I was 16 & he was 18 for 1 year. We lost ties and reconnected 11 years later. I don't think I ever got over him. I just lived without him and went on with my life. Maybe I wasn't ready for it then. I can still remember when we first reconnected. The first time we saw each other I had butterflies in my stomach and nervous. That's the same way I was at court a few weeks ago. How a person can have power over another so deeply.... Anyway, We are now stronger than ever and care for each other way more than when we were teens. I cracked open his shell as he says in less than 3 years time. We mean more to each other than ever was realized before this happened to us. In a way, this has allowed him to open up to me. This allows him to share his feelings and we grow stronger together. If we can make it through this, the hardest thing someone can go through, there is something to be said for that.... I know that we all have to be strong to get through this. It puts me in awe of how many women are on this site that are waiting for their men. So many people standing by their daughter, son, husband, wife, other family. Standing by them. Supporting them. Love is powerful. It makes me think that love still exists. i come from a family that goes behind your back and starts trouble where it isn't needed for others. I don't really see my family as a family. I ran away when I was just 14 and of course, I had to come back. Regardless, my point here is, I found this site and I have felt really connected to the support that is given here. I hate that we all have to endure and suffer through the years and months away from our loved one but I am really happy that it does exist. without the help I have received here, I don't know that I'd be doing as well as I am. I have no one to turn to and no friends that would understand. My job co-workers are getting ready for the coming holidays and all I can do is feel mournful. I can't get through the holidays without him though I know I must endure it, if it comes to that. The possibility of him being out is very slim. I don't have a date when he will be free. I don't know how long he will be there. I have it easier than a lot of women perhaps... but that doesn't make this any less stressful. Its hard to think that everyone around me is happy and cheerful. Their lives appear to be intact while mine is falling apart. It takes a lot for me to get up and continue my life. without him. We did everything together. We were always together. I try to fake it and appear to be living and lively while inside I am dieing. I can't bring myself to participate in anything while he's there. I feel bad if I order food that he wouldn't be able to have. I make coffee that he would love to have. He got excited just that they will have espresso on the list of commissary for the holidays. I am thankful for him. He means so much to me. He gave me purpose. He gave me love that I never knew with anyone, including my children's father. He's always been there when I needed someone to listen. I am sure many of you feel the same way about your loved ones. I just kinda needed to write out what's been on my mind today. Its not always easy to be alone with three kids and love someone that is in jail/prison...I handle a lot of stress and I worry a lot, (though sometimes its unwarranted worry) ... I support him in everything because I know the truth about him. I know how he is on the inside. He's tough on the outside...but he feels on the inside.. I take it to heart knowing that he cares about me so much... I impress myself with how strong I can be.... I do believe, this is the hardes thing I have ever been capable of doing....