Thoughts. Too many of them.

 
I drove to the casino again because my Mom wanted to meet up. We had our fun and I decided to drive back to their house last night to spend the night. 30 miles in the opposite direction of where I was and from where I live. It'll be a 100+ mile drive today, but I felt the need to be at home today. My Dad has health problems and I want to spend all my time with my family. I woke up this morning to my Mom leaving to spend the day teaching her kindergartners and I got up and she threw her arms around me. I'm pretty sure there is no way possible to have a better family than the one I have.
After staggering for a few minutes, I got dressed and immidiately went outside to wash my car. When I was a kid, my Dad used to pay me 5 dollars to help him wash his car, and of course he would pay me the 5 dollars I earned and then he would wash the car again to fix my mistakes. So there's something about a clean car that makes me appreciate it so much more. Makes me appreciate everything so much more.
The last couple of days, I've been thinking a lot about the next few years. And I've been thinking about how much change has happened in the past couple of years, I can't even imagine what will happen. To be honest, I don't know what life after college holds. Does it hold a career that will bring me happiness? Or will it bring me long miserable hours of suffering? Will I eventually get married, have a family? I'm not sure why these questions have been running through my head - normally I don't even think about the future. What's now is now. And maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm graduating and with graduation, comes a new chapter. Like I've said before, I over-analyze everything.
I've also been thinking - if I weren't in pain, or if PHN never existed, would I be as happy as am I today? Because you don't know happiness until it's ripped away from you, you don't know happiness until it no longer exists. There are a million things I hate about pain, but being able to easily find the light in most things is not one of them. I'm more optimistic than I ever thought possible. And I can see the possibilities in everything.
I'm pretty sure that my mind runs a million miles a minute and I should just let it be. But analyzing everything gives me some clarity about not knowing the unknown. And yes, I should just let life run its course... but I want the World in my hands. And by that I mean I want life to treat me right in the near future, I think I've done my duty as the unlucky one.