Thoughts to leave life

  I have nothing in me that wants to live, except my kids, when you think of your kids faces, and break down, and know they will get so much support from you, and yet you wanted the whole thing, the loving family, the loving wife, I realize I made mistakes, I also know why I did what I did, only now though, I wanted to feel loved, wanted, clung to, grabbed and held, some people are not like this affectionate wise and when they are can't be for long, I can't take not having physical love and contact from the person I love, and I try to make it come to me as I am starving, it is all but gone lately, and I have no dependency on anyone but me, I am not one that can survive this way, I am trying, and my kids keep me alive more than anyone would ever know, I can't have them growing up knowing I did something stupid, and yet I can't fucking live either, I am so tired, so weary, so wanting of love and attention, it almost makes me finish this off and be loved elsewhere, but, when you make that mistake already, and realize you love your spouse more than you ever could another, my God you are dead inside when the love is gone, my loss is tremendous, is life changing and life threatening for me, I have upped life insurance next week, I know how much ssi they would get, I am licensed to carry and count fucking poles and look at headlights sometimes like they might come to my lane, even hurt and in the hospital I would be sedated and get a fucking rest for my brain, I can't hardly smile, yesterday I found a couple old xanax and took one and for the first time was able to enjoy a meal in a long time, thinking about the taste, about how I wanted more as it was good, versus the mind somewhere else and just existing, I go to the doc today, counting the hours, if I can't get help fast I am done, I don't need harsh comments, if you have them, leave and don't read, I don't need stroking either, I am just one that is done with life and ready to move to something else, and have 2 sweet beautiful kids that I do everything for money wise and they need me, I am only here for them period, my oldest and wife would be fine as hard as they are without me.