Thoughts on my present state. Blecch.

A lot on my mind, a bunch on my plate, but at a slight loss of words. Hopefully a little stream of conciousness will stop the mental constipation, eh?
for a few days I get fleeting ideas of how and what I want to express, and they evaporate as quickly as they come.
One of these things is my lack of motivation.
Another is the lack of joy.
we'll start there.

It's been a long time, maybe weeks, since I did anything substantial here at work. I am not sure why. lack of fulfillment surely takes its toll. We have been taking pay cuts over the last two years, next year doesn't promise much improvement. We are trying to get our finances together but this time of year we are usually doing pretty good. Right now we are feeling the crunch of the economy like everyone else.
I suppose I should look forward to what's coming. I have a redesign that I had done two years ago that is finally coming to fruit. It's slow coming and these guys aren't motivated it seems (HA!!) to get things moving. This design I had a huge part in. Why I did all the analyses on why it didn't work in the first place was beyond my scope, since it involved optics and some mechanical analysis that other people just didn't feel was important. I could finally get an acheivement award for this effort after 24 years of service (this effort was made almost two years ago), but it's up to other people like project leaders who gets awards, and some leaders are more likely to give submit award applications than others. So I won't hold my breath. What the hell.
I sit at my desk all day. Sometimes I nap, sometimes I walk around just to break the monotony.

Well, that didn't work.

Lack of joy. I am guessing two things; one, that I am not getting the rest I need, but some nights are better than others. two, that my environment is killing me slowly. constant conflicts between my 15 year-old boy and the women in our household is wearing thin. Yesterday I went off to him about why he feels the need to disrupt the harmony. I told him (I know this seems self-centered and lame,) that I like harmony and it doesn't make sense to me that disrupting the harmony in the house doesn't seem to make anything better. He suprised me by disagreeing with me, that when he speaks his peace he feels better despite the consequences he faces afterward. Fine. I am not done with him yet. It would be unfair to say he is the only problem, sometimes he is provoked. I will have to talk to him today about his tone. When he tries to be positive he changes his voice to some childish sing-songy thing, and to my wife it seems sarcastic. I need to tell him then when he tries to be earnest, he must speak in his plain voice, so that people will take it seriously. Truth be told, I am guilty of the same offense. Basically what it boils down to is that I will talk humourously when I am exposing my vulnerability. I have been trying to curb that as well.

DW is sad. This affects me. Neighbors are driving her crazy. They are so disrespectful to the neighborhood. I also called a contractor to work on the house. We have had terrible luck with contractors, so she is scared. I don't blame her. And I feel helpless in aiding her. I know in my heart that I am not, but historically my efforts fall short, so it just feels helpless. I need to push that effort. I met with the guy and he seems pretty good. To me. So Far.

You see, I have things to do at home. But in being tired and unmotivated, it's easy to just let things go. It's the way I've been.

I am "happy", though, that I still have hope. When you are depressed (which I swear I am not), once you find a bit of joy, it brings hope. Hope that you can feel again. Hope that life does have merit. So I continue to hang on to that.

My MIL gave me a small check for my birthday and I found a good deal (60%) on a fishing pole for this year's hunt for the elusive salmon. Again, why I keep this up I am not sure, but I do know that I learned the river last year and that should help this year's hunt. I wanted to tell DW but when I do she start talking about how bad things are and it seems selfish to me that I have bought myself something for my own personal leisure, even though it is mine to blow on whatever I want. My present gear is too light for these fish. Eh.

I am not "ready" to motivate myself just yet. Of course, I am waiting for some impetus. Which I am sure won't happen. Totally depressed attitude, yes? I see the signs, I am no fool. So I gotta pull my act together. Simple pimple.

All right, the whole entry didn't help much. But it's a starting place.



Hello Glenn, It sure does sound like your environment with the conflicts at home might be helping along how your feeling. I don\'t have children but when they become teenagers they are harder to raise and put up with. I hope you have some good luck with finding resolutions to these issues with your son.

As far as work, congratulations on seeking the end to something that has been a long time coming..I hope you did get recognized and an achievement for the hard work you have put forth. Motivation is a hard thing for me as well. Would be nice if it was so easy to change those things but I do understand not being motivated.

Also I am glad you have a hobby with fishing..Fishing for salmon sounds like fun..I love to fish, always have as a child and still do. I have lost some interest in that but trying to get back to that hobby I have always enjoyed. Its fun when you cast out a line and you get bites cause you never know what your reeling in until it is caught. Hope you enjoy your time with nature and it brings you some peace. Some days it really does for me as well. I love nature stuff and fishing. Just takes days of reminding myself of this because depression wants me to lose interest in everything....Take care of yourself and hope it gets easier for you!

Starting places are where it\'s at, though, isn\'t it? You are tough on yourself!! Can you treat, nurture yourself - little gifts to you from you? Feeling loved (by ourselves, someone else) is a motivator. One little step at a time, eh?

Hugs and prayers xx