Thoughts on low self esteem, sex addiction and replacing addictions
I was trying to explain my theory of why we develop addictions, how they serve a function in a bad way, and why finding a better replacement is better than just "trying to stop." It's a little all over the place, but I hope it helped who I sent it to and maybe anyone else who happens to see it.
Where I am right now in my addiction is as close to "finished recovering and back to normal" as I expect to get. I had a rotten childhood, which included being sexually abused and a lot of emotional neglect. This caused me to have terrible self esteem and self worth.
http://nathanielbranden.com/healthy-self-esteem
Now I had other issues from this, alcoholism, depression, anxiety, PTSD and OCD mainly. But I'll focus on the sexual addiction part of it for now. BUT I want to make the point that a lot of us have MULTIPLE issues, it's hardly ever JUST sex addiction we are dealing with. Also, to be honest, there were times my depression would have turned into a suicide if I hadn't gotten drunk enough to kill the pain for a few hours, or if I hadn't acted out on my sexual addiction to feel less alone and hurt. So addictions do serve a purpose and in the short term keep us going. We get into trouble when they start causing problems worse than the ones we were struggling with in the first place. So that's one reason I always tell people you can't JUST STOP your addiction. It was there for a reason, it just wasn't the right solution to the problem. I was compelled to find women and flatter them, seduce them, make them feel beautiful, and then do things that would make them think they'd been to Heaven and back, because my self esteem was so low I literally thought that was the only way anyone would ever even like me for a few hours. Now that's pretty pathetic, but I really thought that way. My childhood abuse got me thinking that making other people cum was all I was good for. I struggled with that a long time. I had to work hard to believe I mattered as a human being, I had OTHER things to offer the world and that I deserved to be liked for all my other skills too. Now sexuality is a part of being human. We don't HAVE to drink alcohol, but giving up sex 100% isn't realistic. So I don't consider "abstinence" to be realistic for a sexual addiction. That's like curing compulsive eating by never eating food again. So I watch myself. I keep my self esteem up, I prove to myself that I have worth by being the best person I can be, not just by how well I can seduce women and make them smile. Now I will admit, when I feel low I wind up working hard to cheer up other people, women especially. But since I'm no longer doing things like trolling for "horny housewives looking to cheat" on dating sites, I see that as an acceptable replacement. In the past ten years I've talked to hundreds of depressed people in chat rooms and message boards. I've talked dozens of people into promising to go call a suicide hotline or go to therapy or whatever, and to not kill themselves that day as a personal favor to me. I went from seducing women to saving some lives. OK sure, it's the SAME ADDICTION sort of. I'm still looking to feel better about myself by doing things for other people. But isn't that what EVERYONE DOES? I hope this makes some sense.
Where I am right now in my addiction is as close to "finished recovering and back to normal" as I expect to get. I had a rotten childhood, which included being sexually abused and a lot of emotional neglect. This caused me to have terrible self esteem and self worth.
http://nathanielbranden.com/healthy-self-esteem
Now I had other issues from this, alcoholism, depression, anxiety, PTSD and OCD mainly. But I'll focus on the sexual addiction part of it for now. BUT I want to make the point that a lot of us have MULTIPLE issues, it's hardly ever JUST sex addiction we are dealing with. Also, to be honest, there were times my depression would have turned into a suicide if I hadn't gotten drunk enough to kill the pain for a few hours, or if I hadn't acted out on my sexual addiction to feel less alone and hurt. So addictions do serve a purpose and in the short term keep us going. We get into trouble when they start causing problems worse than the ones we were struggling with in the first place. So that's one reason I always tell people you can't JUST STOP your addiction. It was there for a reason, it just wasn't the right solution to the problem. I was compelled to find women and flatter them, seduce them, make them feel beautiful, and then do things that would make them think they'd been to Heaven and back, because my self esteem was so low I literally thought that was the only way anyone would ever even like me for a few hours. Now that's pretty pathetic, but I really thought that way. My childhood abuse got me thinking that making other people cum was all I was good for. I struggled with that a long time. I had to work hard to believe I mattered as a human being, I had OTHER things to offer the world and that I deserved to be liked for all my other skills too. Now sexuality is a part of being human. We don't HAVE to drink alcohol, but giving up sex 100% isn't realistic. So I don't consider "abstinence" to be realistic for a sexual addiction. That's like curing compulsive eating by never eating food again. So I watch myself. I keep my self esteem up, I prove to myself that I have worth by being the best person I can be, not just by how well I can seduce women and make them smile. Now I will admit, when I feel low I wind up working hard to cheer up other people, women especially. But since I'm no longer doing things like trolling for "horny housewives looking to cheat" on dating sites, I see that as an acceptable replacement. In the past ten years I've talked to hundreds of depressed people in chat rooms and message boards. I've talked dozens of people into promising to go call a suicide hotline or go to therapy or whatever, and to not kill themselves that day as a personal favor to me. I went from seducing women to saving some lives. OK sure, it's the SAME ADDICTION sort of. I'm still looking to feel better about myself by doing things for other people. But isn't that what EVERYONE DOES? I hope this makes some sense.
Replies
very well said. :)
That is a wonderful kind of alchemy - transforming your need into something that makes you feel good about yourself and benefits others. At the same time, I have a couple of issues with your approach. I will message you about it one of these days.
I\'m glad to hear from you always. But trust me, I have issues with my approach too! That\'s why I\'m still working it out, and there are inherent flaws in it that make it hard for me sometimes.
Also it makes me look at saints like Mother Teresa and wonder what urges THEY were fighting to replace? :)
It makes a lot of sense. Thanks for writing this. It has addressed the issues I was having last night. ((hugs))
Actually Mother Theresa suffered a loss of faith - you can look that up - and I doubt she derived much pleasure from her ministry. However, giving to others can be a great pleasure. Please look at my first share under the post \"can we have too much hope?\" in the PTSD group. It may resonate with you. I believe it was an experience of Grace but it taught me an important lesson! The key is to give from the heart.
I\'m WORKING on giving from the heart, but I\'m not there yet. For now I give as a way to feel validated and deserving of love and affection. I see it as a stepping stone. If I do it long enough, I\'m hoping I\'ll keep doing it just because it\'s the right thing to do. And at the very least, it\'s better for me than my old \"Casanova\" addiction.
As for Teresa.... everyone is getting something they want out of what they do. Maybe they pay too high a price for what they are getting, or if they are assholes they make OTHERS pay a high price for what they get. But she got SOMETHING out of it that kept her going, even without faith. I don\'t know what exactly, because I\'m not there yet.
Maslow said the core drive for all human beings is that everyone wants to feel important in some way or at least like they matter. Maybe it was that for her. At my worst, making a woman smile made me feel like I mattered. Now I\'m a little better and making a woman feel less sad makes me feel like I matter.
When I feel like I matter and I help people just because I should then maybe I\'ll feel like I\'m making up for the bad old days.
I am debating this last comment in my mind. I have questions. Hm. Do you compliment or make someone feel good because you believe it or because you need to feel it? I do believe there are kind people who do things and not give it a second thought of what they will get out of it, how it will effect them or why they did it. This is a topic I struggle with myself. I like that you said its better for you than your old addictions
I tend to over think that, but as a Christian I believe that doing the right thing isn\'t enough. It has to be for the right reasons. I am supposed to be helping others solely because I love my neighbors as much as I love myself.
But I got into helping others because I didn\'t even like myself all that much. So even on days that I know that I have helped someone get through a horrible patch, I tend to worry if i did it for them or for me. Which is nuts, I like myself NOW, and I can usually love some of my neighbors as much as my self. (Can\'t do it for all of them yet)
I am always honest. If I tell someone some of the good I see in them, I mean it. Then I over think if I wanted to make them smile for me, for them or for God. The right answer is for all three. So I should think less and love more freely. Iam working on it :)
That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the clarification.