Thoughts on a new life.
I can't chat and I can't post so I'm going to journal. Some how I have managed to put my possible new life in danger with my words. That verbal fire I posess that can warm or burn. By saying "I wan't to something for real" implied that EVERYTHING else is fake that's not one on one. I didn't intend that but I can see the point, even though it's too late.
I want the whole shabang with her, but if I don't expect her to want much to do with me now, even though I've tried to explain. This is one of my superpowers, the pull people close so I can spring board them away in record time, all with the power of misunderstanding. When speaking to someone in a patient/therapist format I seem to have all the right words, but when I get personal with someone I seem to add few that fuck it all up.
I see this person and think of how us side by side would be perfect and complimentary to both of us. I see her and think of her being that long haired Pdoc's wife in 25 years. She getting her 9 boys and my one girl. The thinking about it has drove me crazy to the point of impatience. I want us to meet and now. It's not even much of a drive. It's like I want to fall down and show myself a pathetic worm and beg to her stay with me. Knowing full well such behavior tends to get the opposite response. I'm mad that I've come this far. This is the way I used to be long ago. I thought that immature way of handling a relationship was dead and buried, but she drives it out of me now.
Mr rationale understands that all attractions between 2 people start as infatuation, and I feel you can't just "love" someone until you've logged sometime with them. when you can see the ugly parts and still wish to comfort them. So it being where it is, it can't be love yet, so my brain says. But right now I can't hear my brain because my heart is screaming "I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER!!!!"
I want the whole shabang with her, but if I don't expect her to want much to do with me now, even though I've tried to explain. This is one of my superpowers, the pull people close so I can spring board them away in record time, all with the power of misunderstanding. When speaking to someone in a patient/therapist format I seem to have all the right words, but when I get personal with someone I seem to add few that fuck it all up.
I see this person and think of how us side by side would be perfect and complimentary to both of us. I see her and think of her being that long haired Pdoc's wife in 25 years. She getting her 9 boys and my one girl. The thinking about it has drove me crazy to the point of impatience. I want us to meet and now. It's not even much of a drive. It's like I want to fall down and show myself a pathetic worm and beg to her stay with me. Knowing full well such behavior tends to get the opposite response. I'm mad that I've come this far. This is the way I used to be long ago. I thought that immature way of handling a relationship was dead and buried, but she drives it out of me now.
Mr rationale understands that all attractions between 2 people start as infatuation, and I feel you can't just "love" someone until you've logged sometime with them. when you can see the ugly parts and still wish to comfort them. So it being where it is, it can't be love yet, so my brain says. But right now I can't hear my brain because my heart is screaming "I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER!!!!"
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