Thoughts of the day so far
I woke up with a better mood. I don't know why. Maybe it is the meds. Maybe it is talking to my mom yesterday. I believe the meds are creating their effect. I am thinking that way because I was so sure before that I will not become better that I attribute everything to meds. Whatever.
I was thinking about the ways that might help me become better. I was thinking that moving out of the house will be a good thing. I think that everything that reminds me of emotional abuse that I got from my dad will make me feel better. When I was in Canada I became independent of my dad and that felt really well. Ok I was living off social assistance but I felt that it was a good social net to help me through a difficult period. Also I wanted to move out of our house in Canada so I can say that I am not dependent on my dad for anything. This however proved a little difficult because the assistance was so low for housing and I didn't want to share with someone else because I was feeling so bad. Therefore the plans to move out didn't materialize. What happened next is a little diffiuclt for me to remember. My mom came to Canada in the hopes of making me work. I was not able to work and by coming my mom made a very risky move because her visit was conditional that I work. I couldn't do that and therefore I was left with saving face for myself and making my mom go back home to face my dad who is really emotionally abusive or save face for my mom which means I would go back to Amman with her and face my dad which was horrible. I didn't want my mom to go through all the trouble. So I accepted to go back and and it was the most difficult thing that I did in the past year and a half. Of course I didn't work and I am not working now. All that I have built in Canada was leveled because my mom ademantly wanted me to work while she didn't know the personal struggles that I was going through. It is quite presumptous of my mom to think that the solution of my problems is to work. Also one of the thing that is making me not work is that somehow my dad wants to define me through my work so that people won't hurt me when they find out about my sexuality. I refuse that big time. Maybe it is a good way for survival but I definitely can't understand it fully.
So now I am back in Amman totally dependent on my dad. Of course in Jordan there is no health insurance so my dad has to pay all my medical expenses which are quite high and I am staying in his house and eating his food. Every now and then he reminds me that I am costing him extra electricity expenses, water and food. It pisses me off big time and sometimes I just walk away because I cannot handle it. I feel that maybe I am being abusive because my dad doesn't want to pay these expenses but he sees how bad I am feeling so he pays them. Actually when my mom started to decrease he thought that I would pay for the doctor and my meds because he wasn't convinced that they would help me and I go the shock of my life and started screaming while crying which was such a difficult thing. He didn't pay for the money until my doctor requested to see him and explained to him how important it was. Incidentally he berated me when my psychiatrist asked to see him and he was telling me that I am such a burden on him and my mom and that they cannot handle me anymore and that everytime I go to the pscyhiatrist I come back bossing them around and 'telling them what to do' referring my psychiatrist calling him and asking them to see him. It was really difficult for me because I felt that I had no place in the house.
It would be good for me to leave. But I have no idea where to go. There is no social assistance in Jordan and I cannot go stay at my grandma's because it would create such a big problem, plus my aunt who abused me lives there. I have no clue what to do and I hate the idea of working just to get me out of this situation. Maybe it would be good to work. I have no idea.
I was also thinking that even all the memories of the past will remind me of my dad and that is going to be very difficult to do. Maybe it would be good to open a new page and start all over again. I am not sure though. Plus the peronal issues that I had are not resolved and I don't think they will never get resolved so I don't know what kind of life I would lead by myself... I am truly heartbroken by my dad, by myself, my the society around me. There is no country for LGBTQ people.
On a positive note, I did all the groceries for my mom today because she has an infection in her foot and she cannot move. I have been doing the groceries for 2 weeks. Today there was a big list and I finished it. I had a good feeling doing it. I don't know what way to turn.
I was thinking about the ways that might help me become better. I was thinking that moving out of the house will be a good thing. I think that everything that reminds me of emotional abuse that I got from my dad will make me feel better. When I was in Canada I became independent of my dad and that felt really well. Ok I was living off social assistance but I felt that it was a good social net to help me through a difficult period. Also I wanted to move out of our house in Canada so I can say that I am not dependent on my dad for anything. This however proved a little difficult because the assistance was so low for housing and I didn't want to share with someone else because I was feeling so bad. Therefore the plans to move out didn't materialize. What happened next is a little diffiuclt for me to remember. My mom came to Canada in the hopes of making me work. I was not able to work and by coming my mom made a very risky move because her visit was conditional that I work. I couldn't do that and therefore I was left with saving face for myself and making my mom go back home to face my dad who is really emotionally abusive or save face for my mom which means I would go back to Amman with her and face my dad which was horrible. I didn't want my mom to go through all the trouble. So I accepted to go back and and it was the most difficult thing that I did in the past year and a half. Of course I didn't work and I am not working now. All that I have built in Canada was leveled because my mom ademantly wanted me to work while she didn't know the personal struggles that I was going through. It is quite presumptous of my mom to think that the solution of my problems is to work. Also one of the thing that is making me not work is that somehow my dad wants to define me through my work so that people won't hurt me when they find out about my sexuality. I refuse that big time. Maybe it is a good way for survival but I definitely can't understand it fully.
So now I am back in Amman totally dependent on my dad. Of course in Jordan there is no health insurance so my dad has to pay all my medical expenses which are quite high and I am staying in his house and eating his food. Every now and then he reminds me that I am costing him extra electricity expenses, water and food. It pisses me off big time and sometimes I just walk away because I cannot handle it. I feel that maybe I am being abusive because my dad doesn't want to pay these expenses but he sees how bad I am feeling so he pays them. Actually when my mom started to decrease he thought that I would pay for the doctor and my meds because he wasn't convinced that they would help me and I go the shock of my life and started screaming while crying which was such a difficult thing. He didn't pay for the money until my doctor requested to see him and explained to him how important it was. Incidentally he berated me when my psychiatrist asked to see him and he was telling me that I am such a burden on him and my mom and that they cannot handle me anymore and that everytime I go to the pscyhiatrist I come back bossing them around and 'telling them what to do' referring my psychiatrist calling him and asking them to see him. It was really difficult for me because I felt that I had no place in the house.
It would be good for me to leave. But I have no idea where to go. There is no social assistance in Jordan and I cannot go stay at my grandma's because it would create such a big problem, plus my aunt who abused me lives there. I have no clue what to do and I hate the idea of working just to get me out of this situation. Maybe it would be good to work. I have no idea.
I was also thinking that even all the memories of the past will remind me of my dad and that is going to be very difficult to do. Maybe it would be good to open a new page and start all over again. I am not sure though. Plus the peronal issues that I had are not resolved and I don't think they will never get resolved so I don't know what kind of life I would lead by myself... I am truly heartbroken by my dad, by myself, my the society around me. There is no country for LGBTQ people.
On a positive note, I did all the groceries for my mom today because she has an infection in her foot and she cannot move. I have been doing the groceries for 2 weeks. Today there was a big list and I finished it. I had a good feeling doing it. I don't know what way to turn.
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