Thoughts of suicide returning

    The past two days I seem to be getting worse.. I don't really want to go into too many details of whats happened with me but lately every things felt so dreamy/nightmarish. I feel broken, out of place, trapped in a world I don't belong. I've felt like this a lot through out most of my life but that feelings getting stronger.. I had a weird experience recently that has had me feeling like my life is nothing but a dream and I've been trying to think of ways of waking myself up (again).
    Its been a long time since I actually felt like I wanted to stay alive. I've kept myself alive all this time because I felt like I had to. I want death, I want to leave this life forever and I'm sick of feeling like this.. I've thought about suicide before, in the past quite seriously but for the past 8 years or so I've never given it much serious thought. I've always just waited through my depressions until it all just numbed down again.
    It seems like I keep experiencing the same things over and over again except each time with different people. I was stupid enough to let myself fall in love with my best friend and, like every other I've let myself have feelings for someone, this friendship is falling apart. I'm loosing her little by little but its finally gotten to the point where she can barely even look at me anymore.
    This keeps happening and I feel like I should have known better. It took me a little over half a year to finally start to believe it was ok to fall in love again. I felt I could really trust her with my feelings and now I feel like I was wrong. I was stupid. I let this happen over again and this time with a friendship that was actually really strong and healthy. We used to be really close and she even told me she wants to keep a close friendship with me.
    Part of me wants to believe her when she told me to just give her time, but I don't even know what happened to make her back off like this. It happened pretty suddenly and from talking to her it seems like none of the things I thought I might have done to make her back off are what made her back off. She's kind of told me what did make her back off but considering that it happened so suddenly I don't really buy it.
    My feelings for her have sort of changed the past few days. I accept that she doesn't have feelings for me and now I kinda just want things to go back to normal. I miss going on hikes or to the beach with her. I miss sitting around her house (or mine) and watching TV or just talking. I miss seeing her smile, I miss just plain spending time with her without all this awkward tension and silence. I miss just being close friends with her.
    I feel like letting myself trust her enough to fall in love was a horrible mistake because now she just locks up around me and kind of freezes me out. She says she's doing that because she thinks I'll just bring up another intense conversation or just talk about my feelings (and ironically enough, her getting like that is kind of what brings them up and the past few times she's the one who brought it up, not me). She's worrying about my feelings too much.
    Right now, all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep.. and not wake up. I want to disappear and be completely erased off the face of the earth. Its not just because of her, its everything. The only good thing that's happened the past week or so is me getting a job, which only solves my financial issues. I've pretty much failed at everything I tried to do this semester. I got horrible grades in school, I lost a job, I lost my place, I'm loosing my best friend, and the only reason I landed the job I did is because she got it for me (her dad is my boss).
    The only reason I can't kill myself is there are too many people who still care about me. Even dead I wouldn't want to be responsible for their pain. I tried a few times and had to stop because of that thought, but I don't want to live anymore.  I shouldn't be alive anymore but I just keep going. Waiting out each depression as they get worse and get longer. I could really use that close friendship right now but even that is out of reach. Trying to even talk to her just makes things worse for both of us and trying not to talk to her at all just makes things worse for me.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Wow! I am speechless after reading your journal entry, cos I really don\'t know what to say as a result of being deeply choked with emotion. :-(
deleted_user
deleted_user

I have also tried several upon times to go away I\'m still here because a few people still care( and I love my cats)