Thoughts like waves
I met with a woman about my age today who has had a brain tumor for 3 years or so... a really feisty person. She would do ANYTHING to squeeze another day out of life... has been almost dead twice, had three surgeries, a bone flap infection, about 8 different chemo regimens, you name it.
Sometimes I feel terrible that we didn't fight harder for Andy to at least have more time. I think we knew however that the end was coming and we made the choice to let him live the last month without chemo, to go for quality of life... our doctor's very heartfelt advice. Still... it was a hard and horrible choice...
It was really HIS choice to make but we had to make it for him because he couldn't really understand all the complexities and risks. I just hope he never misunderstood the choice we were making, and felt like we were giving up because he wasn't worth fighting for.
He was. He was. He was. So worth anything and everything we could do for him. Did he know this? Boo hoo. Very boo hoo hoo.
These thoughts overwhelm me... while I'm trying to work...... :"(
Sometimes I feel terrible that we didn't fight harder for Andy to at least have more time. I think we knew however that the end was coming and we made the choice to let him live the last month without chemo, to go for quality of life... our doctor's very heartfelt advice. Still... it was a hard and horrible choice...
It was really HIS choice to make but we had to make it for him because he couldn't really understand all the complexities and risks. I just hope he never misunderstood the choice we were making, and felt like we were giving up because he wasn't worth fighting for.
He was. He was. He was. So worth anything and everything we could do for him. Did he know this? Boo hoo. Very boo hoo hoo.
These thoughts overwhelm me... while I'm trying to work...... :"(
Replies
i know without any doubt that you love your son and would have done anything to keep him alive. these thoughts are just insecure ways of torturing yourself. like sticking your tongue in an infected tooth. cut it out. you did what was right at the time. as usual, we act, mothers, out of love for our kids. Please be kind to yourself. there is enough real suffering without picking on our sores.
He knows...he knows...do not let that thought enter you mind...fight it off...you know...you know...love and gentle hugs...Karen
I don\'t understand how those thoughts just start relentlessly forcing themselves into our heads at times...they just do, with no reason. Be gentle with yourself...your beautiful Andy knows you love him, you were never giving up on him...you were releasing him with love. Sending you some peace and hugs, Valerie
I have to believe that all of our children know that we would have given our lives for them if we could have. Thoughts... sometimes coming out of nowhere and taking us down for the count. I\'ve learned to lean into them, allow them to inform me and then try to release them to my Higher Power because I certainly cannot handle them on my own either. Sending you, Sarah, so much love and deep understanding. I know every mom here struggles from time to time with these \"thoughts\" and it\'s just part of this process. Peace my friend. Hugs to you.
The thoughts and second guessing are part of the process, a process that I may never finish. I agree with the others - you did what was best at the time. Hugs. I hope you find peace.
We are all children, just struggling to figure out the right and very best thing to do for ourselves and for our precious children. I hope in your heart you know that you did the very best that you could for Andy. It was loving and compassionate to allow him to be free of the physical agony of chemo and to be there with Heidi, the love of his life, stroking him, massaging his feet, cherishing each breath that he took, perfuming his body with the lovely fragrances. How could Andy not know the painstaking love that was and is still expressed? He does.
We all torture ourselves with these questions sometimes but please just remind yourself that you have lived up to your very highest sense of right. You are an amazing Mom who did just the right thing.
Sending much love and thoughts of peace and comfort ~ Debbie
Let\'s make a pact, if you can give up the guilt (which by the way is only useful if it teaches you a lesson, this is just torture), I will give up the guilt. I have felt guilty that my daughter with stage IV lung cancer which spread to virtually every bone of her body, and \"too many brain tumors to count\", we did everything we could until the oncologist gave up on Tara Lynn. I have kicked my self in the a_ _, butt, so many times not believing that it didn\'t occur to me BEFORE she died just to let it go because the treatments were so bad. So bad and they always said that she was going to die anyway.
Anyway, the guilt holds us back, serves no purpose. Except maybe as advice (if asked) if someone else was in the same situation. And Andy was, was, was, worth everything you did out of love for him.
Please give yourself a hug for me,
Gale Sue
thank you soooo much, with tears in my eyes. based on all the above advice, in order: i will be kind to myself, i will give myself a gentle hug, i will repeat to myself that I was \'releasing\' Andy not giving up on him, i will lean into the ideas and then hand them over to my higher power, i will understand that this is a step in the process, i will resolve to not torture myself, I will realize that all our decisions were made as a family... a family in love, a family in pain. it was not just me but i was the mom... moms are supposed to be the glue that holds everything together and we lost our bunny. but it\'s not... my... fault... i know this but it still hurts..... thank you so much for understanding where i\'m coming from and helping me. i need to release these heavy stones from my heart.
YES! YES! YES! HE KNEW THEN AND HE MOST CERTAINLY KNOWS NOW!!! I love the \"releasing him\" statement. I imagine in those final moments he may have been so concerned over what his \"release\" would do to you and you gave him one of the greatest gifts...permission to go whenever he went with the peace of knowing you were supporting him with unconditional motherly love.
I would venture to say each of us have relived those last days, last moments, searching for the answer to \"did I do enough\" or \"could I have changed the outcome\". We so torture ourselves with these thoughts, and many others, especially in the beginning of this journey. I\'m so glad you\'ve found this group of moms to confide in and share with. Together we begin to \"see\" outside of our overwhelming, crippling pain, that there is hope for better days and no need for self blame. So proud to be your friend~~~Teri
Also having a son who died of cancer - I had those very same thoughts all the time - what iffing & did we do the right thing - make the right choices - I know those thoughts can drive you nuts but they do come. I am sure your son knows you fought for him & he fought the cancer as hard & as long as he could. Peace to you...Hugs, Ann