Thoughts and Feelings

So, there probably isn't anyone out there listening to me and honestly that's okay. I guess what I just want, what I need, is to write everything out because everything is just kind of overwhelming me lately. 

I just walked into my schools counsellors office and lost it a little bit. Just everything that I'm feeling and thinking about that I haven't voiced all came out, even she was overwhelmed by it. 

I suppose I should start from the beginning, make it quick and easy. Moved from my home town at the age of four and lived in six different countries over 13 years. I'm now 17 and living in Hong Kong. Parents both work and travel a lot, aren't around much. Those typical English parents that struggle telling you how they feel and that they care about you even though they do. Practically had to raise my sister because of the fact that they were away so much. Yes, we were always fortunate enough to have a helper/nanny/someone to be there to look after us and help clean the house. For that I am so grateful. But I was the one who had to teach my sister the practicalities of life, the right and wrongs. I love that kid more than I can say. She's seven years younger than me and the thought of leaving her through her teenage years when I go off to uni next year scares the shit out of me. Anyway, moving onto the nitty gritty. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety age 12 and struggled with self harm for three years. A couple of issues with eating here and there. Sexually harassed 12, 14 and 16 and one guy did whatever the fuck he wanted to me consistently over the ages 12 - 14. I'm lucky enough not to be in that position anymore. I'm still struggling with the good ol' panic attacks, anxiety, depression, stress all that fun stuff, ya know? 

But that's the past. What's going on right now? 

-Girlfriends dad died in Feburary, it's her first Christmas without him and she's having a shit time and watching her go through all of this hurts me. So fucking much. I'm unable to help in anyway and I'm being a little too suffocating which I'm trying really hard not to be. I don't want to hold on too tight but I also don't want to let go so much that she thinks I don't care or she stops loving me. However, that's extremely selfish and I don't feel like I can bring it up, now isn't the time. 

-Just left a toxic friendship however it's making things super awkward and I fell hella lonely all the time. Especially seeing as my girlfriend and other friends either live far away or go to a different school or live in a different country entirely. 

-It's Thursday, on Monday I have a Chemistry test, a Psychology test, a Biology IA and an IOC. Tomorrow I have a Chemistry IA due. I don't have tomorrow or the weekend to prepare as I'm away in Singapore to surprise my best friend on her birthday (which to be honest is the only thing keeping me going right now). I have all of this to do and instead I'm procrastinating because I don't have the energy or the mental capacity to do any of it and it makes me feel like shit. However, I'm really trying to cut myself some slack because how can I expect myself to do all of this when I'm struggling to fucking get out of bed and to stop myself from jumping infront of a bus everytime one goes by. Having said that I also would really like to get into uni so not doing work isn't an option.

-Speaking of uni: My university consellor still hasn't written my reference and sent off my application even though I had it done weeks ago and it's stressing me out. Everyone around me is getting responces and offers and I'm not. I'm so happy for those who have, but I still can't help but worry about when I get mine, or if I even get any at all. 

-I barely slept last night and have barely eaten. I'm too stressed out to eat and the thought of it makes me feel a little sick. I feel like I deserve to feel this way. 

-My mum just lost her job and may have to move to Germany or Portland, away from me as I can't leave Hong Kong because I'm four months away from finishing my diploma. It's causing a lot of stress for everyone. 

-My grandparents are here which is so so so exciting (I barely ever get to see them) but with their arrival is the departure of Maricel, our helper, meaning everyone is stressed out trying to do their bit to help out even with their hectic schedules, myself included. 

-For some reason everyone is trying to play a role in how much time I get to spend with my girlfriend which is causing strain on the both of us. 

-I've been seeing a therapist for about 3 months and honestly I feel exactly the same and nothing has changed. At the moment we're talking about all my history with sexual harrassment and trying to work through that which is bringing up a lot of emotions and memories that are really hard to handle. 

-I'm scared about my future. I'm scared that I'm not gonna get what I want. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to handle the pressure of everything. 

-I literally want to throw myself infront of a bus but also, there are things holding me back. My sister, my girlfriend, the prospect of a future. But I still feel like I'm not worth anything. Like the end of my life wouldn't mean jack shit. 

So I guess that's everything. I'm sure I'll think of something else later. But for now, I'm going to focus on getting done what I need to get done. Trying to see my girlfriend today. Going away tomorrow morning and looking after myself. That's what I need right now, to look after myself.