thoughts about myself and then some.
saturday night we went to a family dinner at a Hamptons hot spot. My niece is a server there and was able to get us a reservation waterfront on a holiday weekend. my parents, my sister and her husband three of her children, myself , my hubby and one of my sons and his girlfriend. it was really a very nice evening. my husband did not drink ( but this is not his drinking venue anyway) i will admit that i could notice how my 27 year old son's social situation anxieties re: social drinking were, to some degree affecting his relationship.
after we got home hubby asked what was on my mind and instead of keeping my mouth shut, i started a fight that didnt have to happen. afterwards i felt awful about myself!!! as usual. my husband felt that because he acted like a gentleman and was able to enjoy the evening without the wine that it was a complete success. and ya know what ? i guess for him it was, and i did not respect that.
so here come the thoughts about myself: 1. i am not working the detachment properly. i am still so filled with all those bad emotions and it does not take much for me to find a place to unload them.
2. although most, if not all, of our relationship issues, and my own emotional pain stems from AH's addictions....... i need to pay attention to my own self with more mindfulness.... i choose to fight with him.... i choose to be sad and unhappy that he cannot straighten himself out.. i instigate ALL arguments. after all these years of this crap it is time to realize in a big way that the probability that he is going to move is is quite poor. so why don't i just surrender and give us some peace.
3. i know intellectually what i need to do, not always easy to put into practice NOW is the time to start.
4.i spent the whole day yesterday feeling horrible about myself for being mean and insensitive and selfish. these are truths. i will admit that i am afraid to be nice and loving and supportive because AH uses that as a sign that i have relaxed and am not paying attention. i realized that he uses whether i am nice or not!!!! it has NOTHING to do with my survaillence or attitude. so why not just be nice?
5. he IS lying to me, so what else is new? i honestly thinks he believes himself. what difference does it make ? really?
6. our relationship is what it is.......
7. he goes to 3 meetings and 1 therapy session a week . maybe he can get there, maybe not. but it is time for me to step outside of the equation. my interference is a negative influence for both of us!
8. okay ...... lets see if i can put my money where my mouth is.
after we got home hubby asked what was on my mind and instead of keeping my mouth shut, i started a fight that didnt have to happen. afterwards i felt awful about myself!!! as usual. my husband felt that because he acted like a gentleman and was able to enjoy the evening without the wine that it was a complete success. and ya know what ? i guess for him it was, and i did not respect that.
so here come the thoughts about myself: 1. i am not working the detachment properly. i am still so filled with all those bad emotions and it does not take much for me to find a place to unload them.
2. although most, if not all, of our relationship issues, and my own emotional pain stems from AH's addictions....... i need to pay attention to my own self with more mindfulness.... i choose to fight with him.... i choose to be sad and unhappy that he cannot straighten himself out.. i instigate ALL arguments. after all these years of this crap it is time to realize in a big way that the probability that he is going to move is is quite poor. so why don't i just surrender and give us some peace.
3. i know intellectually what i need to do, not always easy to put into practice NOW is the time to start.
4.i spent the whole day yesterday feeling horrible about myself for being mean and insensitive and selfish. these are truths. i will admit that i am afraid to be nice and loving and supportive because AH uses that as a sign that i have relaxed and am not paying attention. i realized that he uses whether i am nice or not!!!! it has NOTHING to do with my survaillence or attitude. so why not just be nice?
5. he IS lying to me, so what else is new? i honestly thinks he believes himself. what difference does it make ? really?
6. our relationship is what it is.......
7. he goes to 3 meetings and 1 therapy session a week . maybe he can get there, maybe not. but it is time for me to step outside of the equation. my interference is a negative influence for both of us!
8. okay ...... lets see if i can put my money where my mouth is.
Replies
oh lordy lord!!!!! 2 days in and an interesting and somewhat amusing aftermath to the above mentioned argument and my renewed commitment to stay detached and not argue for any reason: my apology and statements to my husband about trying to keep our home more peaceful seem to have resulted in an unexpected result. Hubby seems to have taken it and run with it and now seems to feel that he has re-established himself as the alpha dog in our marriage. barking orders, asking questions and chastising me for not answering quickly enough, old behaviors that he has been trying to change. i am not sure if he is just happy to think he is back on top or if he is testing me or what........the fact that i find it sadly funny is keeping me from rising to the bait. sometimes ya just gotta keep smiling on the inside!
Detachment is the biggest struggle, so much bigger than I ever imagined. I struggle with this SO much. I also tend to start arguments, I let little things make me extremely angry because it triggers something else that I am bothered by. It is so hard to try and find internal peace (my house is actually pretty peaceful meaning there isn\'t a lot of tension or anything like that, but internally I am all over the place!) when I know niether one of us is leaving, and I also know the likelihood of our relationship ever being fulfilling, let alone \"peaceful\" is null. Sometimes I just wish my hubby would man up, tell me he is never going to change, that he will never love me the way I need to be loved, that he will always be selfish and insensitive so I could just process it and move on instead of subconsciously keeping hope alive and punishing myself (the way you do! Stop that by the way!) when he lets me down again and again. ((((((HUGS))))))
Although we\'re divorced, i\'m still honestly keeping in daily contact with my ex. She says she\'s 100 days sober but there are still a lot of warning signs. Here\'s what I\'m finding about detachment... I think we\'re more likely to have a fight when they are doing well or say they are. It only matters and I only have to be suspicious if I hold out some hope of a reconciliation. In your case, my guess is that you have these fights when he does well because it gives you hope and then you want to test that hope. \"He did well tonight - maybe we CAN deal with this or that issue after all.\" When i\'m near positive my addict is not doing well, I detach and don\'t care to argue because there\'s no point to it. When I believe she is doing well, I start wondering if maybe we can get into the problems and solve some. I, personally, think I\'ll reach a point where I can\'t stay in contact and detached and can\'t solve the problems either and will wind up breaking things off entirely. But I\'m not totally ready to give up that hope yet. But that hope is also the trigger for our fights, ironically.