Thoughts about Abuse
I think a lot about abuse, buried memories, and the like. I am not sure if looking for abusers is the way to go, as I would find them and yet I am the only one hurting or freaked out by seeing his creepiness so many years later.
I don't want to dredge up old crap unless it would be helpful to healing. This time of year - the holidays - is when a major event(s) happened to me as a 7th grader, so it always has a little hint of memory for me. I am all grown up now, of course, but I struggle with my sexual relationship with my husband. I am sure that a great amount of the problem has to do with trust and fear as well as shame from the olden days. Letting go of everyday worries and life is very difficult for me. I love my husband and I want to be close to him, but I feel rejected if he does not believe he will get sex from any kissing, closeness, intimacy. I don't hold onto the old crap, but I know it affects my life. I'm almost 30 years older. I don't want this old crap to make anything about the holidays painful.
I do not have memories of my 12 year old self and the event(s). I know what I told my friends and cousin at the time, and I have memories of school, bleeding on Christmas Eve, and other events... But not the actual man who did the abuse. Even still, I know that some of the details I told my friends were true because my mother dug into my "story" and found the records of the man's car, apartment, and the person who had given him my name to start the babysitting. It did happen and yet I only remember what I told other people. I do not remember it as a first person event.
I do have faint memories of other abuse events at other ages. Two of the abusers had used the church to abuse me. It took 10 years as an adult to come to grips with separating Christ from the perversion of men. I still struggle with patriarchy, but that is not just a church thing.
I really want to give myself the gift of clarity. BTW, I have been married almost 15 years, been with my hubby 17 in all. I had the same sexual trials with my ex-husband, too. I want to give my husband the physical manifestation of my love and attraction to him. But it is simply not as easy as mind over matter.deanna
I don't want to dredge up old crap unless it would be helpful to healing. This time of year - the holidays - is when a major event(s) happened to me as a 7th grader, so it always has a little hint of memory for me. I am all grown up now, of course, but I struggle with my sexual relationship with my husband. I am sure that a great amount of the problem has to do with trust and fear as well as shame from the olden days. Letting go of everyday worries and life is very difficult for me. I love my husband and I want to be close to him, but I feel rejected if he does not believe he will get sex from any kissing, closeness, intimacy. I don't hold onto the old crap, but I know it affects my life. I'm almost 30 years older. I don't want this old crap to make anything about the holidays painful.
I do not have memories of my 12 year old self and the event(s). I know what I told my friends and cousin at the time, and I have memories of school, bleeding on Christmas Eve, and other events... But not the actual man who did the abuse. Even still, I know that some of the details I told my friends were true because my mother dug into my "story" and found the records of the man's car, apartment, and the person who had given him my name to start the babysitting. It did happen and yet I only remember what I told other people. I do not remember it as a first person event.
I do have faint memories of other abuse events at other ages. Two of the abusers had used the church to abuse me. It took 10 years as an adult to come to grips with separating Christ from the perversion of men. I still struggle with patriarchy, but that is not just a church thing.
I really want to give myself the gift of clarity. BTW, I have been married almost 15 years, been with my hubby 17 in all. I had the same sexual trials with my ex-husband, too. I want to give my husband the physical manifestation of my love and attraction to him. But it is simply not as easy as mind over matter.deanna
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