Thoughts

Some days I just don't know anymore. I suffer from bipolar type 2 disorder. It is the most exhausting thing I have every dealt with in my life. I was a college athlete and even that couldn't compair to these struggles. I have tried medication but cannot use them because of an allergy issue. I have come to realize that this is what my life is going to be like from now on. And I just try to go with the flow. I try to enjoy the ups even if they can get me into a little trouble from time to time. And I try my best to work through the lows, constantly working my steps and making sure I contact someone if things get to tough. But I feel bad. I feel bad that I contact them. I don't want to make my burdens someone else's. I don't want these people having to be concerned or worry about me. I want to be okay for them. I want to be able to work through this without them. I want to be okay all of the time. And then I realize that that is not possible. It's not possible to make this all disappear. Or At least do so with out making me disappear. I think about the rest of my life and dealing with this disorder forever and to be honest it doesn't sound like something i really want to handle. I know this sounds terrible. Sounds like I don't want to even try. But to be completely honest I'm tired of "trying" I'm tired of working so hard to just be okay especially when I'm just flat out not okay. This disorder is confusing and exhausting. 

Just a few little thoughts.