Thoughts
Good Morning SOTH - Sure wish I could stop my mind from "going back".....sure wish I could stop from thinking about "why didn't I say this or that"....sure wish I could just STOP .......Sometimes I just wish I could stop my mind, my thoughts......
I don't know what has triggered these thoughts that seem to be on a loop, going around & around....I'm working, keeping my mind busy, busy @ home with random projects....I'm not just sitting "in my own thoughts" for very long...it doesn't seem to help when I do. Maybe this too is just part of the journey...3 years in now....I don't know......but it's tiring and sad and .........
Oh how I want to go back...one more word, one more hug, one more smile that I could see or hear from my daughter, one more word, one more hug, one more smile that I could show my Jennifer.....Just one more....but I know one more wouldn't be enough, would it?
The realization is hitting me again, today, that she is not here....just sad in my thoughts, going around and around....Hope "this too shall pass" passes soon.
Replies
I so understand. It is like those thoughts are on a loop. They keep coming back. Yes, it is exhausting. It is 7 years for me and it still happens, especially at night when I first go to bed. We are told we shouldn't have a TV in the bedroom. The news is what puts me to sleep.
It doesn't happen as often. When I cry, I tell myself that Lisa is worth it. In the meantime, I live my life in the best way I can, in a way that would make Lisa proud. I do need to listen to my body. I do get tired and have days when I do nothing.
Life as it was, is no more.
Tight hugs, M
I'm with you dear friend and am not sure why we do this, yet I know I do as well. Often I'm wondering if it's the mind and heart trying to calibrate with this newfound reality that I believe takes a lifetime, our lifetime, to live into. The one thing my mom shared with me early on as she too had lost her son, was she thought of my brother daily, yet how she felt when she thought of him (most days) felt softer and not like that a sharp knife in her heart. I will forever remember her words and lean into them on days that my mind is on its very own hamster wheel.
I believe there is that part of us as mothers that truly feels that there "should" have been something that we could have said or done to have changed the outcome. I remember sharing this with a dear friend of mine and he said, "Joanie, sorry my friend, but you are just NOT that powerful." He laughed after he said it and believe it or not so did I.
Understanding (((hugs))) of loving care your way and thank goodness we can share our innermost feelings here and not feel so alone in them. You are not alone and I often ponder too of all my missed opportunities. Deepest of sighs...
XO Joanie
I think we all know how and what you are feeling. I have problems at night when I'm trying to go to unwind and go to sleep. Exactly like missing Lisa said. I always figured we would go before our kids so this type of thing is not the norm. That for me makes no sense! My mind thinks in common sense and black n white. I detest gray areas! I have a lot of struggles with "not the norm" things. I know I get tired just damn tired of this struggle I am on. But I am no quitter so one breath at a time!
Hugs SOTH
Hi Vicki, my thoughts go round and round in my head sometimes too. I try to counter the thoughts with my more "rational" ones like reminding myself I would have done anything for Eddie if I could have helped him survive but that the reality is I do not have control over these things. My mind will race at night a lot so pretty much since Eddie died I have relied on watching silly TV in the bedroom and fall asleep that way. I never required a TV to be on before Ed died but I sure as heck need it now and so be it. Thankfully my husband Ken could fall asleep with a train barreling through the bedroom so that's not a problem. If I don't have the TV on I get extremely distressed thinking about Ed's passing.
May your thoughts settle down and give you some respite. Loving you and dearest Jennifer, Linda ♡