Those not so disguised slights .
My Nmother, New Year's Eve Day at a family gathering announced to the room that "My Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren have such beautiful hearts". This is one of her favourite, latest slights that all three of her children has shown offence to but, she only speaks it louder and to more people. We have pointed out to her that these beautiful hearts were raised by us, not her, and she always responds with "well, of course, I mean you too."
I am so happy for this site where I can learn to express these feelings, that for almost 50 years of my life I believed them (my parents) that I was somehow responsible for their abuse.
About four days before this occasion, I realized that New Year's Eve day was on a day that my brother would be excluded from the occasion. I called my Mom, to ask if we could just switch things to the next day so that my brother could be included. My family was willing, and it was just a matter of calling my sister to see if her gang could be flexible. Well, the tirade that followed was shocking, why I am still shocked I do not know. She said, "that I must have made other plans" and when I calmly reassured her that I had not and that I was only trying to ensure that everyone was included. She said in her most spiteful voice, "I had now ruined her entire day, she was going to the theatre and the day was completely ruined, that I was just trying to control things, that she had gone to a lot of work (this is where she started to have tears in her voice), and that she knew what I really thought about her". I have never had the heart to tell her what I really thought about her.
Since I learned about her narcissism about five years ago I have thought that I could still be in a relationship as long as I had no expectations, and that I set very firm boundaries. I am not so sure anymore.
I am so happy for this site where I can learn to express these feelings, that for almost 50 years of my life I believed them (my parents) that I was somehow responsible for their abuse.
About four days before this occasion, I realized that New Year's Eve day was on a day that my brother would be excluded from the occasion. I called my Mom, to ask if we could just switch things to the next day so that my brother could be included. My family was willing, and it was just a matter of calling my sister to see if her gang could be flexible. Well, the tirade that followed was shocking, why I am still shocked I do not know. She said, "that I must have made other plans" and when I calmly reassured her that I had not and that I was only trying to ensure that everyone was included. She said in her most spiteful voice, "I had now ruined her entire day, she was going to the theatre and the day was completely ruined, that I was just trying to control things, that she had gone to a lot of work (this is where she started to have tears in her voice), and that she knew what I really thought about her". I have never had the heart to tell her what I really thought about her.
Since I learned about her narcissism about five years ago I have thought that I could still be in a relationship as long as I had no expectations, and that I set very firm boundaries. I am not so sure anymore.
Replies
They love making you feel guilty, don\'t they? Grr... After finding out about my parents, I did a lot of reading and found out that narcs often deliberately \'misunderstand\' your meaning on things. Once they have got it into their head that you meant to insult them or do something without their permission, woe betide you! I really applaud all of the people on here who are trying their utmost best to maintain functioning relationships with Nparents, but I think it\'s difficult because by their very nature they thrive on breaching boundaries and trying to \'own\' and \'manage\' you by imposing their wishes and responsibility for their feelings on you. I tend to think of it as being a bit like dealing with a child who has regular temper tantrums... except, in the case of Nparents, they rarely grow out of it! By the way, it\'s very nice to meet you, and I can totally understand that you must still have difficulties despite your psychology qualifications. I\'m sure that doesn\'t provide immunity to everything, in the same way as being a doctor wouldn\'t guarantee you\'d never get sick, or indeed the automatic ability to cure it if you did! Take care, and it\'s great to have you as a new friend :)
Wow, thank you RockinBunny for such a thoughtful, thought provoking message. I wish I had been as wise as you at your age!!!! Sometimes my degree gets in my way of the common sense aspect of a disorder and applying it to my real world. I am more used to having to take an unbiased view, even with my Nmom. The part I was missing was self respect and self caring first, before I fixed the world. There is no question that I studied this subject psychology in order to figure out why the people in my family were hurting, and suffering so much. Thanks again for your friendship and I too feel lucky to have you as a new friend. Take Great Care!!!