this time my fault
this disease has made me snap!!!! i do not even recognize the witch that comes out in response to my husband's misery in all areas. i am sick of hearing about his joint/ back pain, how his fingers don't work (the ones he drunkenly cut off with a table saw) i am tired of his non-compliance and whining in all areas of his significant health issues. i am tired of trying to help /fix /problem solve for him. i am angry at myself as well as him because this is not a life, i cannot get past the idea that i am wasting my time. i am tired of always feeling on the verge of major depression, i am mostly tired of FEELING BAD ABOUT MYSELF because of someone else's problems. i am tired of being lied to, manipulated, and tired of knowing that he would never be there for me if it meant giving all he had. i am tired of wishing he could love me enough to change. i am ashamed of myself for fighting with him while in the ER for possible kidney damage due to poorly controlled diabetes. sometimes things said can never be taken back and my husband is not a forgiving type of person unless it suits his needs.
i am tired of going to work every day while he sits home collecting his disability check feeling sorry for himself and saying he has anxiety so he needs to drink /smoke /take pills. i am tired of walking on eggshells, wrestling with trust issues, and KNOWING he is usually full of shit.
i am so fucking tired of not being able to bring up touchy topics for fear of "making him feel uncomfortable" REALLY!!!!!!! i would like to extend the line of red horrible faces across the page.
i am tired of going to work every day while he sits home collecting his disability check feeling sorry for himself and saying he has anxiety so he needs to drink /smoke /take pills. i am tired of walking on eggshells, wrestling with trust issues, and KNOWING he is usually full of shit.
i am so fucking tired of not being able to bring up touchy topics for fear of "making him feel uncomfortable" REALLY!!!!!!! i would like to extend the line of red horrible faces across the page.
Replies
Just for the record....NONE of this is your fault. I know how you feel about the touchy topics. I finally decided I needed to great them head on, and he was completely unwilling to talk about anything that meant anything (either turned it into an argument, shut me out, etc). I too am tired of feeling bad about myself. You are not alone in this.
I agree. I still don\'t understand it but I do know it isn\'t our faults and all we can do is give them a chance to get well - we can\'t make them actually choose to get well.
I finally realized that detaching does not make me a bad person..... just someone who is finally taking care of herself
In the hospital he said I was looking at him with sustain well I probably was and why shouldn\'t he know it?