This really helped me

Yesterday I was bad and I thought I wouldn't make it another day, but the things I wrote made me think that I really want life, to live again, even if it's different. I don't know, now that I accepted I have a problem I  don't have to hide like before, but things do not really changed. I woke up late, because once I sleep i don't want to wake up. My parents don't get angry anymore, but i know they think I'm just lazy. I gave up lot of things and I feel bad about it, about not being able to do what I loved to do, like study and work. The house is not big, so it's impossible to stay alone, quiet, isolated, and sometimes it's all i want, a little peace. I missed lunch, still I was not hungry, but I ate some biscuits. My father told me to do the dishes, as if I was garbage just doing nothing with my life. If things was different I would imagine he just wants the best for me, but I know he have waited this day my entire life, when he can walk on me and my mother won't say nothing. I wonder how my life turned out this way, he used to be the monster in this family, now he has all the rights, well I think my mother gave up fighting against him too, not that she ever was brave enough anyway. 
The point is that I missed my chance to go out, do something different, just to stop over thinking my problems, stop living in pain, just for one second, to think something good, take a chance at being happy. I felt like a loser, once again I let another day pass, feeling bad, with the constant presence of those people that never really cared about me. Listening to their voices is like being haunted, I wish I could let this hurt go, ignore them, like if they don't mean nothing to me. 
But then I remembered that in one of my best days I promised to my grandmother that I would visit her, to check on her, because she promised that she would get better. She is eighty years old and months before I noticed that she was giving up her life. It's kind of funny, this family is so blind to the things of heart, the emotions, you know, they are all so worried with the social status, no one noticed or were too afraid to admit it. Last month she got really sick. I couldn't think much about her, nor ask about her, I was living my darkest days, I couldn't think about anything, I locked my door, cried and slept all day, don't even knew when it's day or night, sometimes I did not even feel myself. But she came back to home. Her body is healing but I'm not sure if her head is. She does not want to get up, does not eat, it's clear that she does not want to do anything. I saw her pain, in her eyes, she pretends so much, like me, that she is okay. I know she is lost and all the reasons why give up in her eyes when she talks with people or is laying in bed. I don't want to give up my life, I don't want she to give up hers. I want to give to her reasons to get better, to get up and live. It's truth, her life is in the end, but she is not dead, she has all the other days in between, she can make they worth it. But it's hard, you know, how can I convince her to do something that I can't do myself? Still I won't stop trying to help her, to give her what she needs. 
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I'm acting instinctively, saying what I know is right even if it doesn't work for me, maybe it works for her. I told her that she can get better, that she need to keep fighting, that she needs to eat, I'm giving her my trust, strengh to do things she tells me she no longer is capable to do. I know she can, so I'll insist until she proves to herself she can. I'm not adressing her problems, I'll wait until she decide to tell me, if she decide to tell me one day. I'm talking about me either, I just let her know that life has been difficult to me too, that I understand that what she feels is real, but we can deal with it. She doesn't know I'm depressed, she doesn't even know I'm lost, she thinks I go out and have fun, that I work and study, like before, because she did not see the situations I lived in last year. I won't pretend, I tell her that I no longer do those things, but she forget it every time. But I don't insist, talking about me won't make no good.
The time I spent with her today made me happy. I can't imagine me completely happy or one entire day without feeling bad, but I could think about somebody else today, not me, not my pain, but her, my grandmother, and how I want her to be happy. 
It was unexpected, but I guess things like this happens in our lives. It was good. After everything, I can't have too much hope, but take one step and then another. To build happiness and not expect it to just happen suddenly. 
I have to do something about my goal. It's good to help others, but I have to help myself too. It's so much harder, I already feel tired, I'm fighting to keep myself stable. But I won't give up, not today.