This Post May Contain TMI. You have been warned.
I know that men process and deal with TTC and pregnancy loss differently than women do. After our loss, my husband told me that he was mostly just worried about me. It's kind of bothered me that he seemed so unbothered by it. At the same time, I get it. He's got 3 kids and isn't too worried about having another. He wants it for me. And that makes me feel very loved. Even as I hate the fact that he doesn't have the same desire.
Since our loss, however, he has been doing some strange things. I can't figure out what is going on in his head and I'm not sure he even realizes or knows.
I'm just going to warn you, this next section might be TMI, but I seriously would like some opinions here. Sorry. :)
The biggest thing is his sex drive has, I think, doubled. He's always had a pretty strong drive, but mine seems to be not far behind, so it's been good. Sometimes during this TTC hell I've had to make a concerted effort to keep it that way, but I think it's been worth it. We have a very strong relationship, helped I think by our frequent intimacy. Anyway, as soon as the miscarriage bleeding stopped, it was like he went into overdrive. He is in the mood constantly. Every. Single. Day. Sometimes twice a day. But then the part that really bothers me, I think, is that if I'm too tired or not in the mood or whatever, he gets irritable. He spends most of the next day acting like I told him I don't find him attractive anymore. I've kind of brought it up jokingly but I'm not sure how to talk to him about it without him feeling like I actually am saying I don't find him attractive anymore.
I love my husband dearly. I love our relationship. I love being with him in that way. But seriously....I'm exhausted.
I've kind of wondered if it's his way offering comfort. I've also wondered if he trying to just get me pregnant again so that I won't be so sad. He keeps making little comments in conversation that make me wonder if that's what is going on. For example, our insurance sent me a letter last week about signing up for their maternity club thing because based on recent claims they thought I must be pregnant. I told him about it and he said "guess you better get pregnant then." I told him this wasn't their way of encouraging me to get pregnant, it was because I was and they don't realize I'm not anymore. Then I spent the afternoon crying. I know he didn't mean it to be insensitive but sheesh. It's like he is so focused on moving forward and just getting pregnant again that he has forgotten that some days I still feel like it just happened.
Some days I swear men are a different species.
Since our loss, however, he has been doing some strange things. I can't figure out what is going on in his head and I'm not sure he even realizes or knows.
I'm just going to warn you, this next section might be TMI, but I seriously would like some opinions here. Sorry. :)
The biggest thing is his sex drive has, I think, doubled. He's always had a pretty strong drive, but mine seems to be not far behind, so it's been good. Sometimes during this TTC hell I've had to make a concerted effort to keep it that way, but I think it's been worth it. We have a very strong relationship, helped I think by our frequent intimacy. Anyway, as soon as the miscarriage bleeding stopped, it was like he went into overdrive. He is in the mood constantly. Every. Single. Day. Sometimes twice a day. But then the part that really bothers me, I think, is that if I'm too tired or not in the mood or whatever, he gets irritable. He spends most of the next day acting like I told him I don't find him attractive anymore. I've kind of brought it up jokingly but I'm not sure how to talk to him about it without him feeling like I actually am saying I don't find him attractive anymore.
I love my husband dearly. I love our relationship. I love being with him in that way. But seriously....I'm exhausted.
I've kind of wondered if it's his way offering comfort. I've also wondered if he trying to just get me pregnant again so that I won't be so sad. He keeps making little comments in conversation that make me wonder if that's what is going on. For example, our insurance sent me a letter last week about signing up for their maternity club thing because based on recent claims they thought I must be pregnant. I told him about it and he said "guess you better get pregnant then." I told him this wasn't their way of encouraging me to get pregnant, it was because I was and they don't realize I'm not anymore. Then I spent the afternoon crying. I know he didn't mean it to be insensitive but sheesh. It's like he is so focused on moving forward and just getting pregnant again that he has forgotten that some days I still feel like it just happened.
Some days I swear men are a different species.
Replies
Yes, I can totally relate to some of this. We are waiting for our first blood test / pregnancy test results and this morning he said to me...I\'m more worried about how you will be after this!\" I thought - I\'m not a raging lunatic - don\'t you want to have children with me as badly as I do. I know that he is just trying to let me know that my emotions are probably going to cause me to be very upset but the thought that I could care about getting pregnant more than he does drives me crazy! Men definitely think very differently than we do. I guess this is his way of trying to deal with it. If you can sit down and talk openly about it without getting upset (like I need to) then that might help?
I have read and heard many times that men express their emotions through sex, and its their way of connecting emotionally to their partner, since often times they cannot express themselves with words. So it makes sense that in times of crisis when men cannot say in words what they want, their desire for intimacy increases. Also, maybe he is trying to get your pregnant again like you said. I had a male friend tell me to have sex every day of the year so we could increase our chances of conceiving again, and he said that is what he would do. I also read that sometimes men feel like they have \"failed\" after a miscarriage, and they feel this need to prove themselves. So any or all of those things could be going on.....just some thoughts on what could be happening.
I would guess his increased sex drive could be helping him cope in way. I agree- men are a different species!
LOL - not TMI at all. I agree with Hopeful that men can sometimes express themselves differently.
Thanks ladies. Sometimes it\'s nice to just get some other opinions. I make a rule not to talk about our sex life with anyone, most especially family. So I was kinda ambivalent about bringing this up. But it helps to have some outside opinions - especially from others who deal with the same IF/TTC crap.