This morning,I am tired and unsettled in my mind

Good morning journal,the time is now 7:08am and I have been awake since 5:50am after a restless night of disturbed sleep.Yesterday,I was very unsettled for large parts of the day,preferring to keep my thoughts to myself,such as they were,and remaining for the majority of the time,silent and withdrawn.I am unable to offer any explanation for my restlessness,and although I tried on several occasions to raise the level of my mood to anything resembling conviviality,I failed dismally.I am not easy to live with at times like this and I am better left to my own devices until,eventually,my mood levels settle and begin to recover on their own.It is very normal for people to ask what is wrong when my mood is like this,for the change is very noticeable to those who know me well and even more so to those who love me,and it must irritate them beyond belief when I can offer no explanation,I'm not trying to be difficult or evasive,I simply don't know.The truth is that I have never battled anything like this in my life,and at times I struggle to deal with the sudden changes in my emotions,and the swiftness of my mood swings.I can go for several days when I experience something similar to actual contentment,then,sometimes with no warning,my mood will swing markedly to one of uncertainty,hesitation,dark thoughts and fear.This morning,I am still experiencing the same feelings as yesterday,my thought patterns are jumbled and seem to be strewn about the corridors of my mind in a haphazard fashion making it difficult to pick any individual thought out or assemble them into any sort of order,it is both very odd and a little scary.Even as I sit here at my desk now,I am struggling to think clearly,typing one or two words then grinding to a halt while I try to think of what I want to say,this in itself isn't me,I have always been good with words and able to express myself clearly,now,right at this moment,I am finding it incredibly difficult to focus,and almost impossible to string a sentence together.I am finding out with the passing of time that depression isn't just a word,it is a condition that is both invasive,cunning and,at times,soul destroying,there is no logical explanation for why it happens,it just does.I haven't been in contact with my therapist John for over a month,I received a letter from him cancelling my last appointment and telling me he would contact me on his return to work,I guess his wife has given birth and he is on paternity leave,so until he gets in touch,we wait.I do have an appointment with my doctor on Wednesday,so perhaps I will have a word with him,by his own admission,mental health isn't his field of expertise,but it can't hurt to make him aware of my concerns and the difficulties I am experiencing.I had never heard the term psychotic depression before my therapist used it,he explained that because I had heard,am hearing,voices in my mind that are not my own,my type of depression isn't normal depression,though that in itself is a crippling illness,the type of depression that I have can be more dangerous because of the frequent suicidal feelings and thoughts of self harm that can manifest themselves in me at any time because of the voices that I hear.When these tendencies do start to happen,for me,perhaps the most frightening aspect of them is that they don't,frighten me I mean,they are simply part and parcel of my daily existence and something which I accept as normal for me.Do I think that one day I might carry them out?,I don't know,I know that,on occasion,I have been very tempted and very close.Sometimes,I tend to use sleep as an escape route,that's if I can sleep,and,at other times I have used alcohol,neither remedy has offered a solution for more than the most temporary of time periods,but however temporary it is,it is still a much welcome,and much needed,period of relief for me.It gives me breathing space and an opportunity to regroup,gather my thoughts and get a little stronger,for I have to confess that when I am battling feelings such as those I have described,it weakens me physically as well as mentally.I know it is very difficult for my wife and I try very hard,but there are times when I am left mentally and physically battered and beaten by whatever this is,and those are the times when I have no answers to her questions,which leaves her understandably confused and angry.When someone asks you what is wrong,you should be able to say well it's this or it's that,how can you expect them to understand when all you can say in reply is I don't know,I would be confused and angry too.If there is something wrong and it's making you feel bad,all you have to do is change your thinking,do something to lift your mood,right?,only I can't and I have no idea why.When I am tired,the voices in my mind talk to me almost non stop at times,sometimes quietly,and at other times almost shouting,and it is very difficult to remain lucid and in control,and I have to fight very hard to keep my temper in check and my frustration and anger at bay.I find myself holding my breath without realizing that I'm doing it until my wife tells me,how can a person hold their breath and not know that they're doing it?,yet I do and I can't explain why.Hopefully,as today continues,my mood will settle and begin to recover,until then,I will try not to offend or hurt my wife in any way,and if that means I must remain largely silent then that is what I will do.Until next time journal,peace and the love of God walk with us.