This isn't going well

Suicide is never okay.  Some people see it as an escape.  An escape from this place.  This place they call "life".  Yet I'm getting real sick of living.  I'm sick of people acting like they care, when they don't. I'm tired of people leaving. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired. It was never bad until you stare at the cars passing and think of an escape.  Thinking that is an escape. 

  I would text the Crisis Line saved in my phone.  But then they ask if you can keep yourself safe. And I wouldn't know what to say this time. Because I'm not sure.  I might spill more blood than usual. I really need someone.  Yet, who is there? I'm utterly alone.  "You're never alone." That's what they tell me.  Then why am I sitting in my dark room, renting to the internet.  When really, that won't matter either. Shit.  It's hard to breathe sometimes. But I've gotten used to that. Why can't I get used to not breathing at all?

American Crisis Line -741741