This is what I've needed

I've needed a journal, a wawy to express these things.

I'm at their house for Christmas. It sounds crazy to be with them for this holiday, but my confidence is shot, they've done major brain washing that is hard to break, and I've, in many ways, lost my soul.

Soul retrievals can be difficult. It involves creative writing for me. It involves delving into my inner life, writing my story down for others to read. I know I'm not alone in experiencing vampirism. It's soul crushing and destroying.

I have many regrets. I had a major mental breakdown at the beginning of this year; I said horrible things to old friends and old professors online. My anger is immense; no one knows what I've been through and it's impossible to describe to anyone. No one in the mental health system has a clue. They write me off. It's contributed to a bitterness and rage that hurts me deep within.

I know that writing my inner feelings is key. It's been hard to access, but with more explorations of my past experiences, I believe it will get easier. No former friends will friend me online on Facebook; they must have all heard my vile explosions thousands of miles away. I'm miserable and wish I could work through this anger.

I'm alone and carrying many wounds. Don't judge so harshly until you've walked a mile in someone else's moccasins. It is horrible to experience what I have and I make no excuses for my horrible behavior. But unless you've been to the dark isolating places I have with zero sympathy or knowledge from anyone but yourself, be slower to judge.

I'm sorry.  To old friends. I have much to work through. I look forward to this creative writing class and what it could offer my inner being. The great thing about vampirism is, once you've healed, you gain selfhood and psychic immunity. I look forward to a more individuated self of self as a result of this and immunity from toxicity for the rest of my life. Thank you, Mother Nature, for birthing me and giving me these lessons.