this is what got blocked .....why????

I've found at a young age i was never scared of anything. No fear other than hiehgts. Well here i am at 29 and scared of more things than ive evry seen. Well im lieing if i say scared. Its more like over thinking the outcome of a situtation. Something always gong thru my mind about somethimg anymore.Ive been shot at alot in the best and also shot at people as well when i was young. I was also beatin multiple times each time by more than 3 people.That went on for awhile and stopped for awhile then it happened a few more times but those times is when i was being shot at and beatin with a gun and so on. All this was being done by the same group of people everytime. All the problem with these people was over a fight in 10th grade at school. A boy in a higher grade triedto bully me and well ill say it didnt work out well for him but i got the bad end of the deal. Years and years of issues. but enough about that ill come back to that in a sec.  Now i would have finished school a year ealier than anyone but i attended a private school from 7th on up until 10th grade. When i left the private school because we refused to pay for the week and a half that i attended before being kicked out my 3rd year of being there. I wasnt the best and smartest kid i just learned at a slower lever of care but my first time of learning something it left me. So i was smart and slow at the same time but my highest level of smarts is street smarts cause even tho i did ok in school i was totally different outside. I sold drugs and started getting high at a young age and it led up to my failure in school. Once i got back in public and seen i had 0 credits and would have to stay a whole extra year even tho a few years before i was cought up some much i would have not had to stay a extra year . well thats were i choose to goof off and become something i wasnt. Well all that i forgot also from 12 yrs old i was in and out of juvi due to so called mental issues. Now that ive been over 18 ive been locked up 7xs. All but 2 of them was on the same charge. So 5 times being locked up on just one charge. One of the others is a weed pipe charge and the other is a false arrest and false imprisonment. truth came out at the on that charge. Ok all this is leading up to fears. I now fear and panic when going into public and sometime even loose it in the process. I fear the police. I fear walking around the wrong corner. I fear being shot at. Fear just about my every move. I even set up cameras all around my apartment just to see if someone is watching or spying on me. Seems like everytime i step outside something tends to happen. Even fear of relationships cause been done wrong in the past. For some one who used to be tough and looks tough it seems as if im just a big pussy anymore and now they cut the only med i found that helps i found my self smoking weed more and more. Ive pushed to overcome these things but it works just like drug addiction something can trigger it back and well i have my drug issue under control ive been clean off my D.O.C.s for 6 years My fear keeps relasping so to speak. If that even makes sense. 

What i dont under if i can keep from relasping on drugs why cant i stop the relaspe of fear and things. My mind is always going 100mph. Cant hardly sleep for nightmare (ptsd) even on meds i cant sleep but i do find thc helps my sleep more and remember less of what i dreamed about at times but not all the time. A new dream seems to always repeat its self. New events set on replay over and over . This lady i had to go see for 15mins every 2 weeks was pointless so i stopped after 2 months. She told me to change my dreams image something else. I said lady in the middle of your dreams can your just stop and change it and she says no. Well i said how can you set here and tell me to do something if you cant even do it, she says cause i studied in this line of work and im getting paid for it so i stopped going. So i also have a fear of trusting some one that says they can help but then "In the end" cant really do jack shit. I have a list of shit wrong with me that i didnt know i had or even felt cause of the drug use in the past numbing it. I really miss the feeling of nothing. Being honest but i cant go back cause when i want to the image and felling of when i detoxed . 2 weeks of being gave detoxed med that i couldnt even hold down and loseing 50lbs cause i couldnt even hold down food. Yea cant do it ...... but yea if anyone can relate or answer some of my question i would be very thankful