this is too hard.

 I havent written an entry i  a while so will recap. AH started drinking again, also had tranquilizers, and now i discover probably pain meds as well.  When I confronted him several weeks ago about the drinking he was told to pack his bags and leave (he would have to live in his jeep. i agreed to let him stay because of our financial entanglements. He completely disregarded my wishes to be separate.  this makes everything a bigger mess. He did immediately start going to AA meetings, his one on one therapy and a support group through his therapist, and as far as i know he continues with this 4 day a week schedule.... but there are still signs of pill use, his jeep smells like a bar, and behaviors are sketchy and suspicious. okay this is what he wants so i am distancing myself and when shit hits the fan he knows he will be out of options. last week i wrote him a letter with clear concise boundaries which we calmly discussed (the calm part should have been a red flag).  but i remain profoundly unhappy with him and all his misery.  he needs a small surgical proceedure next week ...the drama leading up to today's pre-op visit  was soap opera worthy, i tried to stay out of it.  oh but here we fucking go again (there is ALWAYS a complication) blood sugar values off the charts. No shit sherlock, he is the most non-compliant patient ever.  i refuse to apologize but i had very little compassion or sympathy and sent him to the ER alone and angry.    i just cannot help him anymore, i cannot fix him, he heaps his responsibilities onto the shoulders of others (well, me). now i am a royal, non-supportive bitch who said "well, your diet is awful and you havent checked your blood sugar in over a year, i wish you could get your act together because i am just too frustrated".  no one gets it, and i look (and feel) like a terrible person.  oh god help me!