This is so Hard

Hello everyone,I have been in my home for 3 weeks now.  The only place I have been is to my sister's house.  I am upset with my husband because he didn't put any gas in my car and I have no money.  Even if I wanted to venture out, I can't.My sister had a cookout last night and I didn't go.  I was too scared.  I stayed home by myself.  I'm to the point where I can't even cry anymore. I have filed for disability and I checked the status online.  It said a decision has been made and it has only been a few weeks so I know it has been declined.  I am waiting for the letter to come in the mail.  I guess I need to get a lawyer.  Getting on disability seems to be so final like I'm giving up.  I think I have given up. I am suppose to start a panic support group June 1st and hope I can make it there and do o.k. and hope it helps. My husband is working but now I am getting behind on the bills I paid when I was working.  The only thing I can think of is selling my wedding rings to maybe get enough to pay off my car.  I need $400 and it will be paid for and then we could drop collision insurance which would help. I have been trying to do a little yard work but I work for about 10 min and I get out of breath and my blood pressure goes up.  I have started walking around my house and only 2 times and I'm out of breath.  I am so out of shape.  I guess I have to start slow though.  I get so angry at times b/c I want to do stuff but I either get out of breath or start having a panic attack and I retreat to my room. Yesterday, I wanted to have some fun so I got on my son's mini bike.  I was doing fine but having a hard time turning right. I kept trying to turn right but once I didn't make it and crashed into our fence.  Today I am so sore.  I tell myself I can't even do that right.  I have a big bruise on my leg and am sore all over. My depression isn't as bad as it has been.  I guess I have accepted this illness and having to stay home.  I know I can't do this forever though.  I need to get out.  I feel so lost in this world.  I just try to concentrate on my kids and taking care of them.  I rarely see my son who is now 13 and he's off with his friends all the time.  I play with my daughter and she loves helping when its on her terms.  She really needs to be back in daycare around other kids and on a set schedule.  She loves being home and being able to play whatever she wants.  She does pretty well with me but sometimes she is a challenge when she doesn't get her way. Today marks 15 years since my dad passed away.  I have been having dreams about him  for months.  I miss him so much.  We got very close when I became an adult and moved away from home.  He helped me out so much.  Then he got sick.  It doesn't seem like its been 15 years.  I wish I could go back in time and have fun with him again.  We used to play ROOK all the time and he taught me to play well.  When he died, that tradition died as well.  Everyone in my family is so busy we don't get together and play anymore. My mom isn't doing well nowadays.  She doesn't want to get out anymore and with my panic attacks I don't go visit her like I should.  I guess I need to call her.  I can see her declining.  Before my agoraphobia started, I would take her places and then she just started saying she didn't want to go anywhere.  My uncle in law just passed away a couple weeks ago and he was a really good friend to her.  I don't think she has gotten over that yet. I am really sad right now but hope things get better.  If anyone reads this thanks and please keep me in your thoughts.