this is me not sure what to do or think anymore

Life has gotton so hard for me i just dont know what to do or feel anymore. I have 2 beautiful girls of my own and 3 fab step sons and a wonderful wonderful husband. but i hurt so much i am happy but i dont feel happy i am so sad but i just cant cry anymore and all i ever get from the dr is more and more pills i went to that happy dark place that i havent see in over 10 years when i was a teenager and actually wanted to kill myself because of the meds i was on i hate having to take  a pill each day. i hate that i NEED it to function and take care of my kids. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate my x for pushing my buttons and using my illness as a weapon to try and take my daughter part of me hates that people dont understand. and i HATE it when some one says things like " it will get better" " you can only go up from here" and probly the worst is " SMILE!! it cant be that bad" i want to bang my head againt the wall because that would be more constructive then trying to educate them on how it really is. I had depression now they say its post pardom depression i used to have social anxiety now i have General anxiety disorder and now they are saying that i could be a borderline schizophrenic, i really thought that everyone had thoes voices in their head. I have cut myself off from all my friends either intentional to protect myself from them telling my x how i feel and him using that against me more... or because i am tried of pretending that i am ok and pretending that i care about the trivial things in their lives, like really why would i care about the new shoes you bought or anything like that... no one wants to hear that i just want to be selfish right now, i dont even know when the last time i heard " how are you feeling?" from someone who actually ment it.  but this is just me rambling on and on...  sorry for the spelling and run on sentances...