this is me

It all begun when when I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2005, Not only did I lose my baby, I had also lost my right fallopian tube. It's been 3 years since my husband and I started trying for a family and nothing has happened. After surgery 3 years ago to remove a cyst on my ovary because it had caused such painful periods that I couldn't even work during my period let alone walk around the house, now my periods are very irregular. They come every month, but one month will be 36 days, another month will be 28 days, a month after will be 40 days and so on.

I did a HSG test dec 2017, didn't work. the dye wouldn't go to where it was supposed too. Now, the only other option we have to find out whether or not my only good fallopian tube is blocked or open, is to have surgery again. My fertility clinic which is Flinders Fertility won't do IVF if there's any possible what so ever of being able to concieve and have children naturally. The only way to check now, is surgery. 

I am frustrated today because it's 41 in adelaide and I can't even go to the beach and swim because I have my period. Yet, all over the world there are going to be women out there who are going to get their chance at having a child this month, and are going to ruin it by having an abortion. and their excuse, I can't afford a baby, We don't want any more children, it was unplanned. I have to suffer through another month of nothing but a painful period and no baby, while selfish women like this, are going to have abortions when all they had to do is get birth control or have their tubes tied or even give that baby up for adoption instead of destroying that baby's life.

I also have problems with my bowels as my bowels are attatched to my abdominal wall, which makes periods more painful, easier to get trapped wind in my stomach and more difficult to move my bowels. whether they're going to do anything about that during the surgery this year, I don't know yet.

I've even started to drink alcohol here and there as I can no longer cope and I don't want to go out anywhere at all because everywhere I go, there's some pregnant woman wherever I seem to look. It upsets me because I constantly think, what do you have that I don't? Why can you have a baby and not me? what makes you so much special/better then me?

I also have depression and I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to see anybody or reply to anybody's text messages or phone calls. I don't want people to ask what's wrong all the time simply because I don't want to be a broken record. It's the same thing every month, depression and no baby, painful periods and feeling like I'm not worthy to have a baby or I'm not good enough to have a family of my own. I feel useless all the time.

Sometimes, i get so bad with my depression that I sit and think everybody would be so much better off without me in their lives. I've considered self harm and suicide many times. I have tattoos and still want many more tattoos, that's about the only reason why I don't self harm myself. I constantly think I'm being punished for something. Was it something I even did in my past life? I don't know. All I can think of is, why me?