This is just stupid

I hate myself so much for getting so absorbed and sucked into this stupid illness. I don't understand (well I kind of do) why it's so hard to just kick it in the ass and leave it behind. It makes me so mad to think about how many people get hurt by ED. My family, friends I've alienated, and myself all suffer/have suffered because of ED. And for what??? I just wish that I could be normal and not think the way I do. I know gaining weight is healthy, but that little whisper in the back of my mind... I just want it to shut the eff up. Even though I didn't know Lauren on here, I can tell that she touched many peoples lives and she seems like such a sweet loving person. And it makes me so fucking mad at ED for taking lives. I guess it was just kind of a reality check to log on today and to see what happened. I'm overcome with grief for her family and moved to tears reading people's comments/stories about her. I am so frustrated with myself for not progressing as I should and, I guess, holding on to that last thread of ED. I want to get married one day. I want to have children. I want to see them grow up and get married and graduate college and have their own families. I want all of that. I want to focus on my childrens and husbands lives instead of thinking about calories and weight. It's just so stupid.