This is hard

I looked up my husband on the DOC site to see if I can find out where he is since I haven't gotten a call from him in days and I found him. I did a really stupid thing and clicked on his number which brought up a picture of him. It wasn't the mug shot picture that I've seen before it was a picture that they recently took. It's the first time I've seen him at all since he went in (I haven't even looked at pictures of him on my phone). It was a compete shock. He looks terrible. Just like that I just cried and cried. I'm so nervous about visitation now because I don't want to completely fall apart when I see him. My heart aches so much for him because I know he's a good man who made a really bad decision and I can't imagine what he's going through. This is the first time we've gone this long without talking or seeing each other in almost 18 years. This is so unfair. This is not what I pictured my life to be at this point.