This is going to suck.
Our weekend away was really nice and relaxing. The teacher I was subbing for (who was on maternity leave) was back on Monday. I decided to take this week off - no sub jobs scheduled - so that I could try to have some time to put my house and self back together. I am SO glad I quit teaching last year. I can't imagine trying to recover from a miscarriage while having to spend endless long days with other people's children....and try to pretend that I cared. I love teaching, but it is definitely a tough job, even without IF and all of its hell.
I know cycles can be wonky after a misbe I'd carriage, so I'm not quite sure when to expect AF. I started taking OPK's a few days after I quit bleeding. I think the familiarity of the routine helped soothe the anxiety of not knowing what was going on with my body. According to them, I ovulated a week ago Friday. Which, all things normal, would put AF due this Friday.
I've been telling myself the whole time that there is no way a pregnancy would have happened this time. It takes a couple cycles for things to regulate, even for non-IF people. I was also preparing myself for a rough time with the first AF, as so many have told me it is more emotional than previous miscarriage non-positive cycles.
Despite all of this, I realized this morning that there is this huge damn hope in my heart. I decided to take my BBT this morning and the rest of this week, just to help prepare me for impending AF. I tracked my cycles enough months that I know what is a normal temp at any given time in my cycle. This morning it was 97.25, which is generally consistent with a day or two before AF, that whole starting to drop thing. Immediately my heart sank, followed by a stern voice in my head saying 'you knew it was highly unlikely, now suck it up'. Which was followed by a very sad thought 'but I need to be'. I realized that I've been unconsciously feeling that if I could get pregnant right away again, then maybe I'd be ok. Maybe I'd be able to survive. Maybe I didn't have to feel so broken and sad because it just got delayed a few months. And having a baby in the summer when the stepkids are gone would be better anyway.
I've been crampy all morning...those pre-AF cramps we all know so well. All I can think is, ugh. This is going to suck.
I know cycles can be wonky after a misbe I'd carriage, so I'm not quite sure when to expect AF. I started taking OPK's a few days after I quit bleeding. I think the familiarity of the routine helped soothe the anxiety of not knowing what was going on with my body. According to them, I ovulated a week ago Friday. Which, all things normal, would put AF due this Friday.
I've been telling myself the whole time that there is no way a pregnancy would have happened this time. It takes a couple cycles for things to regulate, even for non-IF people. I was also preparing myself for a rough time with the first AF, as so many have told me it is more emotional than previous miscarriage non-positive cycles.
Despite all of this, I realized this morning that there is this huge damn hope in my heart. I decided to take my BBT this morning and the rest of this week, just to help prepare me for impending AF. I tracked my cycles enough months that I know what is a normal temp at any given time in my cycle. This morning it was 97.25, which is generally consistent with a day or two before AF, that whole starting to drop thing. Immediately my heart sank, followed by a stern voice in my head saying 'you knew it was highly unlikely, now suck it up'. Which was followed by a very sad thought 'but I need to be'. I realized that I've been unconsciously feeling that if I could get pregnant right away again, then maybe I'd be ok. Maybe I'd be able to survive. Maybe I didn't have to feel so broken and sad because it just got delayed a few months. And having a baby in the summer when the stepkids are gone would be better anyway.
I've been crampy all morning...those pre-AF cramps we all know so well. All I can think is, ugh. This is going to suck.
Replies
Its great you took the week off. I am super worried about getting AF, I know it will be a bad one after the mc, and I am so worried it will show up during my BIL\'s upcoming wedding. She always shows up at the worst times. Hoping AF is not too bad for either of us! Big hugs
You sound like my hubby with the \"suck it up\" comment....don\'t get me wrong, he is very understanding, loving, caring, sensitive but he also has a very positive, keep moving forward outlook. Well he made the mistake of telling me to \"Suck it up\" one time and I quickly nipped that in the butt!! Sometimes you just don\'t want to suck it up, sometimes you want to throw the temper tantrum or hissy fit, and sometimes its ok to just be sad! Now its not good to stay in those modes, but acknowledging your feelings is an important part of healing. So if you\'re not able to suck it up all the time, then just be easy on yourself, and know that you may just need a few minutes to have the strength again to suck it up and keep on keepin on!
Thinking of you and sending big hugs
It was so hard going back to teaching after my loss. Keep that hope alive! After my loss the hope of getting pregnant, or at least finding a way to have my child, is what kept me going. Glad you took the time off. This is an important time for you. Take care of yourself.
Hugs and prayers to you both. Try to be positive. AF means your body is back on track. It is hard emotionally though, but that\'s okay. Have a good cry and some ice cream. I hope you both get your rainbows soon!