This is forever

Over the weekend I took my daughter to a little carnival type event a couple towns over.  Weather was beautiful and we had fun but it really hit me walking down the street after parking...this is it.  This is how it's going to be now.  Just me and her.  Dina is gone forever.  Still doesn't seem real.  I know I have to do things like this for my daughter.  She needs to lead a normal life, as do I.  And I love doing them with her but it just feels...weird.  Like something is missing.  The 'forever' aspect was driven home again this morning in the car.  She wanted to hear some 'silly' songs so I was going through my iPod (which she asked me if I had by the way...she's 3!) and came across Shout by the Isley Brothers.  As I expected, she liked it.  She was kicking her legs like mad and tossing her teddy bear around.  It was so funny.  But it made me think of my (twin) brother's wedding coming up in September.  We were all so excited about, and still are, but now she won't be there.  As happy and excited as I am for them I was also looking forward to the wedding for selfish reasons.  If everything went as expected this would have been the first big event she probably would have been mostly healthy for.  It was going to be a fun night for us to laugh and dance together again.  Now it's going to be very different for me.  It still hasn't even been two months since she passed so I know all of this is normal but it sucks to think that it is going to get even harder before getting better.  I guess I'll just have to have Shout ready to play at any moment and watch my daughter act like a maniac!