This is different
I've been neglecting my journal lately. I suppose that's good; it means I didn't need it.
To update. My family has pretty much made my sexuality a non issue. This is a blessing and a curse. My brother always thought I didn't go out and party because he thought I was a social invalid. I've since been out with him and his friends and he has learned that the reason I never did these things was because I could only be me (in an obvious way). I love him so much, he doesn't really care that I act gay when I'm out with him and his friends, he just loves that he has a new thing to share with his little brother.
My parents are a curse here. My mom is trying, with little jokes to offer the mentality "I can make fun of it because I'm okay with it". This would be welcomed (I believe observational humor is indeed a sign of tolerance) except she uses "gay" and "fag" in a pejorative manner. It is becoming difficult to explain the difference to her and she is beginning to think I am a bit sensitive about it. Well, truth be told I am. Thank goodness she is trying though, now we only need to direct those intentions towards the right goal.
My dad, ignores the issue. It doesn't exist. He avoids it when I bring it up. I think he and I are due for a very frank conversation in the near future. On the bright side though, he has started treating me like a son again. He jokes with me, asks about my day. We can finally sit in the car again and be totally silent. Before this was awkward, now it's just comfortable.
Very recently, a friend from High School (openly gay) has been very politically active in progressing LGBTQ rights. He posted probably the most touching letter, a la the Trevor Project, that I had ever read. It was a facebook note detailing his own coming out process, his bout with attempted suicide and why he fights for equality. The thing is... it really stuck with me; knowing someone I know was experiencing the same doubt and depression at the same time and in the same place. I lost sleep thinking about it. Finally, I just broke down and messaged him, spilling my guts about my own coming out journey and how I am still going through it. I waited a few days and I heard back. It turns out I had him in tears. Seems he wrote that note to fight for equal rights, not necessarily to help me the way it did. He was touched that he could help, that he had reached someone. It feels good knowing that someone I know in real life knows about me. Well, plenty of people know, but he is the first person to actively care who is also gay.
I am beginning to feel those pangs again. The ones right before I came out to my family. I think I am ready. I wish I knew that this closet had many doors. I've gotten through the first couple and now I can see sunlight underneath this next one. I am ready to say it to the world. I think I need to prepare. I have a few close friends I owe it to in person to tell. Honestly, I don't think they will take it well, but I need to trust that they are the good guys I've always known them to be. After that... I am going to let social media be my OUT-let. I am animating a video with a text narration of my journey, my fears, hopes and experiences. I think I need to lay myself bare. I will officially have no secrets. Once I have finished producing it, I plan to sit my parents down and let them know my plans. I want to give them time to prepare as well, tell anyone they want to know. After that, I will upload it to youtube, post a link in my Facebook status, and crumble... My walls will be down. I know I will lose some people, I know it will be hell for my parents, but I deserve (and need) complete openness. I want to be out rallying for equal rights, but I can't right now. My parents aren't going to want me to, but I need to. I have security now. I have a full time job as a web producer for a magazine in Manhattan. I can support myself if need be.
The thing that worries me is that yes, of course I am nervous, but I don't think I'm afraid. I really want to be out, more so than I already am. I am damn proud of who I am and what I've accomplished. I've gotten very far in life, very fast without ever stepping on anyone to get here. I have a clean conscience, I work to do what is right, even if it isn't what is easy or expected. I always work to earn what I have and appreciate it when I have it. In a practical sense, I have money saved up, a steady income and zero debt at the age of 22. It may be a week or two before I can get everything done, but it will be done soon. It will ALL be done soon. I will be able to dress, talk, interact and be exactly who I am, anywhere I go.
Thanks for listening,
Steve
PS- I am wearing bright purple to work on Wednesday in a show of solidarity for the community in regards to the recent gay teen suicides. Hope some of you can do the same.
To update. My family has pretty much made my sexuality a non issue. This is a blessing and a curse. My brother always thought I didn't go out and party because he thought I was a social invalid. I've since been out with him and his friends and he has learned that the reason I never did these things was because I could only be me (in an obvious way). I love him so much, he doesn't really care that I act gay when I'm out with him and his friends, he just loves that he has a new thing to share with his little brother.
My parents are a curse here. My mom is trying, with little jokes to offer the mentality "I can make fun of it because I'm okay with it". This would be welcomed (I believe observational humor is indeed a sign of tolerance) except she uses "gay" and "fag" in a pejorative manner. It is becoming difficult to explain the difference to her and she is beginning to think I am a bit sensitive about it. Well, truth be told I am. Thank goodness she is trying though, now we only need to direct those intentions towards the right goal.
My dad, ignores the issue. It doesn't exist. He avoids it when I bring it up. I think he and I are due for a very frank conversation in the near future. On the bright side though, he has started treating me like a son again. He jokes with me, asks about my day. We can finally sit in the car again and be totally silent. Before this was awkward, now it's just comfortable.
Very recently, a friend from High School (openly gay) has been very politically active in progressing LGBTQ rights. He posted probably the most touching letter, a la the Trevor Project, that I had ever read. It was a facebook note detailing his own coming out process, his bout with attempted suicide and why he fights for equality. The thing is... it really stuck with me; knowing someone I know was experiencing the same doubt and depression at the same time and in the same place. I lost sleep thinking about it. Finally, I just broke down and messaged him, spilling my guts about my own coming out journey and how I am still going through it. I waited a few days and I heard back. It turns out I had him in tears. Seems he wrote that note to fight for equal rights, not necessarily to help me the way it did. He was touched that he could help, that he had reached someone. It feels good knowing that someone I know in real life knows about me. Well, plenty of people know, but he is the first person to actively care who is also gay.
I am beginning to feel those pangs again. The ones right before I came out to my family. I think I am ready. I wish I knew that this closet had many doors. I've gotten through the first couple and now I can see sunlight underneath this next one. I am ready to say it to the world. I think I need to prepare. I have a few close friends I owe it to in person to tell. Honestly, I don't think they will take it well, but I need to trust that they are the good guys I've always known them to be. After that... I am going to let social media be my OUT-let. I am animating a video with a text narration of my journey, my fears, hopes and experiences. I think I need to lay myself bare. I will officially have no secrets. Once I have finished producing it, I plan to sit my parents down and let them know my plans. I want to give them time to prepare as well, tell anyone they want to know. After that, I will upload it to youtube, post a link in my Facebook status, and crumble... My walls will be down. I know I will lose some people, I know it will be hell for my parents, but I deserve (and need) complete openness. I want to be out rallying for equal rights, but I can't right now. My parents aren't going to want me to, but I need to. I have security now. I have a full time job as a web producer for a magazine in Manhattan. I can support myself if need be.
The thing that worries me is that yes, of course I am nervous, but I don't think I'm afraid. I really want to be out, more so than I already am. I am damn proud of who I am and what I've accomplished. I've gotten very far in life, very fast without ever stepping on anyone to get here. I have a clean conscience, I work to do what is right, even if it isn't what is easy or expected. I always work to earn what I have and appreciate it when I have it. In a practical sense, I have money saved up, a steady income and zero debt at the age of 22. It may be a week or two before I can get everything done, but it will be done soon. It will ALL be done soon. I will be able to dress, talk, interact and be exactly who I am, anywhere I go.
Thanks for listening,
Steve
PS- I am wearing bright purple to work on Wednesday in a show of solidarity for the community in regards to the recent gay teen suicides. Hope some of you can do the same.
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