This is a good day
This is my first journal entry, I am not sure why but it has taken some time for me to start. Today is a good day, the week started out pretty bad Monday was 3 months since my husband passed. I guess I should say this is a good minute because I cycle pretty quickly. But I do have somethings to look forward to. First my Grand-daughter has been at camp since Sunday and she comes home today. I have missed her, the house is pretty quiet without her singing and dancing! Also I made my reservations for the Dubuque get away, I am really looking forward to it. It feels good to have something to look forward to. I haven't had that in a long time. From the time that Bob was diagnosed we (I) was so focused on getting him thru each day and I didn't allow myself to look into the future beyond the next doctors appointment. I don't know if that is normal but for me it is easier to focus on the facts, it saves me from having to deal with the emotional aspect until I am ready. I think it is called avoidance.... I could probably be named Queen. I was going to say denial but.... no it is denial. I never accepted the fact that he was going to die. Didn't want to....still don't want to. Even when the doctor put us in hospice. I didn't believe it was close to the end. We went into hospice, at home, on Wednesday April 18th and Bob took his last breath on Monday April 23 shortly before 9 P.M. Most days I still cannot believe it.
Replies
Cathy - I completely know exactly how you are feeling. I was the same way with Frank when he was diagnosed. We just focused on the next treatment, doctor\'s appointment, test or scan. We didn\'t focus on the future, just knocking down the next tumor/s that reared it\'s ugly head. We always had the mind set that he could be one of the very few 6% that survived 5 yrs and hoped they would have a new promising treatment by then. We didn\'t ever think about the end until it was right in our face undeniable. I finally relented and put Frank in Hospice 36 hrs before his passing, I didn\'t want to deny him any treatment until I knew the only hope left was a miracle. Your not alone.....and what you are going through is not isolated to just you - we all go throught things like that.
Looking forward to Dubuque too!
Cathy-Denial I had my share. When Jim kept getting sicker they of course told us that he was going to die. The rest of his illness was filled with intensive care and a silent heart attack which required an airlift by flight to life. When he came home I was taught how to get him in and out of bed and i did not have hospice. i actually thought i would save the insurance coverage for later. He came home on Good Friday, had Easter with the family and died the following Friday when i got someone to stay with him so i could go to the grocery store. A phone call in the produce department of the store ended all my last hope. He died on our youngest daughter\'s birthday. It took me a long time to stop denying that he was really gone. I look forward to seeing him in the afterlife You are not alone in your feelings. Hugs, Chris
Thank you both for sharing your experiences. I was talking to my sister in Missouri today, letting her know I wasn\'t loosing my mind since last time I talked to her left her unsure!, and she actually said that she tries to understand but having not been thru it she just doesn\'t understand. You understand. I am so sorry that you both had to go thru this but am so thankful that I found you and this place. Thank you
Cathy
Cathy,
When my Rhoda was diagnosed last summer, I had to stop thinking about the past (too many What if?\'s) and the future. The future we planned and wanted was gone. A future without her was unbearably painful to think about. When I would cry around her, it just made her feel worse. A therapist from the cancer center told me that I was grieving for her before she died. He asked whether I wanted to do that or concentrate on helping her. Of course, I chose to help her. So, I prayed for her to be cured and for the strength to make every one of her days as happy as possible. Only the second half was given to me.
What you did was neither denial or avoidance. You gave your husband hope until the last possible moment. That is the greatest gift you can give anyone. I know that now that I have no hope at all.
No one who is not in this situation has any idea what is going on. I sent my family a sheet on \"How to help me now\" and that helped them slow down the constant stream of judgments and unwelcome advice.
Staying in the moment and only focusing on the next step in treatment is very exhausting (as you know) and it is a hard habit to break. Your most recent past is too painful to think about and the only thing we know for sure about our futures is that we are here and our most beloved spouses are not. Being very short-term focused seems like a good idea for now.
I do not have any answers or much more experience in this than you do. But I am glad to see that you are looking forward with some eagerness to some upcoming events.
I hope you find peace, tom